Flossing

ahhh, the suckage... i am really, really, obviously shitty about updating this blog on a regular basis. a fact that my editor is totally going to have a cow about (rightfully so. and not my editor. i guess she's the queen bee of our little blogging-for-film enterprise. she's the baddest bitch, y'know?) anyway, yes. i'm still alive. the sickness did not consume me. and in fact, i managed to fully avoid vomiting. which is AWESOME!

cuz vomiting, fucking sucks, yo.

so its march now. the sun is in the sign of pisces. brother's birthday is coming up. as is Steven's. and C's. my life is full of pisces. we are, after all, opposing signs. opposites breed curiosity. and with my brother, they also breed frustration. but what can you do? i've decided that if he doesn't plan on being home with the fam on his birthday, i will totally work that day, and not feel bad about it. it is not my responsibility to be at his beck and call, and ever wait in the wings in case his other plans don't work out, or whatever. fuck that. i'm done.

work continues. i still really enjoy it. i'm getting markably better at it. and i got my official certification in the mail this last tuesday. of course, i forgot to bring it home for reasons i'll get to in a second, but its there, waiting for me. i am now an official barista. as my manager said, "you're a real boy now." yup. there are no strings on me, save my crippling fear and my all-consuming avarice. but other than those, and my inability to trust people, i am completely stringless. free as a bird.

but this tuesday... i was reeeally tired at work. because i finally got to pull ye olde Demon Shift. the one where you close the store one night and finish up at midnight, and then have to be there to open the store up again at five the next morning. the schedule where you wonder whether its even worth sleeping at all, and if you do opt for sleep, you're tempted to just sleep in your clothes so you can roll out of bed and right into your car four hours later. now, i did do this by choice (see the reference to "all-consuming avarice" above), and i figured it was bound to happen eventually, so i decided to just make it happen and get through the first one so i know what i'll be dealing with in the future. and it was rough, but it was fine. the best, the BEST part, though, was tuesday morning, when i was at the register trying to smile and going off of three hours of sleep, and the person who was supposed to get there at seven or so (in time to help the two openers field the morning rush) didn't show.

AWESOME!

but my manager was really pleased with me, which is good, and i'm pleased with myself. i like having a job that forces me to roll with punches and deal with situations that are beyond my control. those are things i'm not great at, and need to practice. and the pleasant thing is, i really don't tend to get mad at this point. so i work four hours without a break. fine. eventually, someone will get there to relieve me. every situation must end, and until then, you simply deal. and it really isn't that bad.

however, there is also another undercurrent of ... stuff ... in my life at the moment, and that's where the title of this post comes into play.

i am really excited to be in a position to make some money right now. and really, if i were ridiculously avaricious, i wouldn't be working at starbucks, because let's face it... they don't pay all that great. scheduling flexibility, benefits, fun times, sure. but i'm not like, hauling it in. which is fine for now. i'm learning things right now. i'm where i need to be. but my sickness of two weeks ago, and my willingness to work the Demon Shift, are also part of my failure to floss regularly for a few months. gross, right? but in truth, all three of these things are about my willingness to balance my greed, or my comfort (i hate flossing...) against doing what is truly best for me.

because money is nice, and nobody likes flossing, but in the end, if you don't take care of yourself, you get sick, spend your salary on doctors, and your teeth fall out of your head. the flossing argument comes from my friend E, who is in a program that is aaaaall about learning to take care of yourself. because some of us aren't good at it, for a variety of reasons, both genetic and behavioral. and E is one of those people, and so am i. E's big thing is flossing her teeth. she hates flossing too. (who doesn't?) but taking care of yourself sometimes means engaging in activities that aren't comfortable or pleasant, or that stand in the way of doing things that parts of you want to do, and think you SHOULD do.

so i flossed tonight. i brushed, i flossed, i brushed again, used the anti-bacterial mouthwash, and then put vaseline on my lips (which is sort of like dessert, because i really like my lips, and i don't take care of them unless i'm flossing). and i also spent the entire day in bed, except for when i went to my yoga class. because that's part of taking care of myself too. i also need to not schedule myself into exhaustion, which leaves me much more open to getting sick and then missing work later on.

its all more of that goddamned, middle-of-the-road bullshit that i hate and am no good at.

its lessons, and processes, and time and effort and energy.

but its something i need to learn, and better now than later.

on that note, i get benefits now! and i am BEYOND excited to start therapy again. it's been a long time coming. and believe me, i need it. because i joke about my unwillingness to trust people, my inability to let down my defenses enough to let any new people in, and my paralyzing fear that leaves me just able to hold down a job at starbucks. but really, i'm not fully a fan of any of those things. i would like to be healthier. i would like to be able to feel more at ease around people. and i would like to feel more at ease with having feelings.

feelings are not easy.

i am not a fan of people who make me feel things. i make things miserable for people who make me love them. because that is such a scraping raw nakedness, to love somebody. its being naked in the tundra, the wind whipping across the frozen waste and rushing ice crystals across you that leave your skin red and burned. loving someone is an abdication of a portion of my well-being to another person. its a surrender to that tundra, or the perpetual potential of that tundra. so i push those that make me feel things away. i say horrible things to them. i ignore them, and then make ridiculous demands of them. i try to push them away away away from me. because the fear of that pain is oh so great...

and i know that this is a way-beyond-rational, over-extreme reaction. but i haven't had great luck with intimacy this lifetime. and i'm not talking just romantic whatevers. i'm saying my models for intimacy, my relationships with my parents, and my parent's relationship to each other, are not great. i'm talking Daddy Issues. i'll just start calling them DIs. i won't. but yeah. and mommy issues too. all the romances are simply copies of those primary relationships. xeroxes where some of the details are fuzzy, and parts look different, but the overall picture is the same.

like i told you, i'm not that healthy.

but i can make a list of things that i am. it recommended i do that in a book i read yesterday; "Toxic Parents: Blah Blah Blah Blah You've Got Issues". or something like that. i'm not fully sure about the second part of the title.

i am funny.

i am smart.

i am compassionate.

i am sensitive, and caring.

i am empathetic.

i am nice, and mean well, and try to see the best in people.

i am a hard worker.

i am a good team player.

i am able to make people laugh, and feel good, just by being my regular old self.

that's probably enough for now. no, i forgot some important ones:

i am a vessel of god.

i am holy.

i am sacred, and profane.

i am human.

now i'm done. for now. ohhh self help books... the things they make me do. this is really an truly embarassing, and that means i totally have to leave it here for anyone who wants to look and see. because its about taking steps towards being vulnerable, and being all right with that.

what, you thought this blog was for you or something?

well yeah, i suppose its for you a little bit too...

cuz i'm nice like that. right?