Mixed Feelings...

a lot of the time, it sort of makes me proud; like, if you like cars, you keep up with who's making what, what kind of engines they use, umm... how big the tires are?

i don't keep up with cars, so really, this was a bad choice for a metaphor.

but i'm trying to say, you tend to research things that interest you, and you like to have a decent grasp of what its all about.

so like i said, it sort of makes me proud, and it certainly makes me feel knowledgeable, but it also makes me feel sort of sad when i realize just how many gay porn stars i can recognize (by face, body, and... y'know... junk), name, and talk about relatively knowledgeably, in the sense that i have an idea of them as a performer, and an opinion on their performances.

like, i don't even watch a WHOOOLE LOTTA PORN. i watch... i mean... xtube doesn't count, since its all amateur...

i mean, like, so what? we all have favorites! WE ALL KNOW THINGS ABOUT STUFF!!!

i just don't see why i gotta get judged...

It's Not My Job

but i want to do it anyway.

there are a lot of things in this world, that i want to do or say. there are ways that i want to act. but i try to not do those things, or say them, and i try to not act those ways.

because its not my job.

telling people and institutions how to better do their jobs, is not my job. bossing people around to make them do things more efficiently and effectively (which also benefits me, naturally) is not my job. being the answer to all the questions you don't ask because you don't actually care about getting my advice, is not my job.

all these things, and more, are not my job.

but i want to do them SOOOOO BADLY!!!

particularly right now, when i'm sort of getting stuck in a rut with my job, and feeling trapped, and not sure what my next move should be, even though i'm feeling more and more ready and sure that i need to make a move at all. i swear, sitting on all this stuff makes me just want to jump up and throttle people who aren't, doing, things, RIGHT!

because RIGHT is some objective measure that only i can understand...

well, i'm going to call upon the holy power of the blog, and say a few things that i feel need to be said, even if no one hears them. i need to say them. here we go.

1) people of america; lifting the ban on offshore drilling will do nothing to aid the current oil crisis. it will be at least, AT LEAST, seven years before any oil makes it from those shiny new off-shore rigs to the tank of your car. oh, and the people who own or will own the mineral rights to all that offshore territory? THE SAME FRIGGING CORRUPT OIL COMPANIES WHO ARE CURRENTLY MAKING WINDFALL PROFITS OFF OF YOU! beyond these pragmatic arguments, we would also be much better served by putting money and effort into alternate fuel sources instead of into new drilling. new jobs will be created by both ventures, but new jobs linked to renewable energy sources will be long term as opposed to jobs that dry up when the oil does. in addition, throwing money at renewable energy will wean us off foreign oil, meaning we won't find ourselves mired in the middle east for dubious reasons NEARLY as often. finally, offshore drilling would spoil our coastlines and pollute our waters, and more oil only means the continued pollution of the atmosphere. so do yourselves a favor, and JUST SAY NO TO OFFSHORE DRILLING!

that felt good. that felt really good. i don't even remember what else i want to say. but that one, it felt just sooooo good... cripes...

i just get really fed up with people. i get fed up with my coworkers, i get fed up with customers, i get fed up with my family, and i just get tired. tired, of it all. and then i read polls on aol, and i get more fed up. i get fed up with stupid. i get fed up with shortsightedness. i get fed up with fear, and knee-jerk reactions. i get fed up with crazy.

i REALLY get fed up with crazy.

i get fed up with crazy masquerading as common sense. i get fed up with crazy parading itself as traditional values. i get fed up with crazy cloaking itself in religion.

and i get REALLY FUCKING FED UP with cruel and unyielding self-interest.

people being mean and petty, and trying to advance their own agendas with no thought to others... it all makes me very, very tired.

and part of why it makes me tired, is because i see myself doing it too. i really want to be nice. i want to treat everyone with respect and kindness, even if i don't actually think they deserve it. but i fail. i mess up. i just can't do it all the time. and i bitch and moan about people doing things in less-than-ideal ways, but really, it just means they're doing things in a way that i wouldn't do them, and i think i have the fucking right to organize their lives for them, because i know better.

i get tired of being just as morally questionable and ethically ambiguous as everyone i criticize.

i'm just feeling really fucking done these days, y'know?

Satire and Its Discontents

my sister, does not understand satire.

she is going into medical school. she's going to be a doctor. one day, she will be treating your child.

she is extremely intelligent.

but she does not understand satire.

my evidence:

family is watching "The Colbert Report" on t.v. this is not hypocritical on my part. i don't watch television, nor do i own one, but thursday night dinner and "the office" viewing at dad's house are something that happen... every thursday night? yes... every thursday night.

for those who aren't familiar with the program, colbert plays an over-the-top, buffoonish, self-important, right wing television show host, styled after, oh, i don't know... BILL O'REILLY, THE SAD SACK OF SHIT!? point being, its an act. he's so blatantly petty, hypocritical, and ridiculous, that its a joy to behold. he is the master of really, really, really good satire, for which he won a peabody award, a very prestigious that bill o'reilly did NOT win, but said he did, and then when confronted about it, got angry, went on a verbal rampage, and never actually apologized for making the mistake.

so we are watching mr. colbert, and sister is confused.

"so is he republican, or what?"

no, he's pretending to be a republican so he can make fun of them.

"but, so he doesn't actually believe the stuff he's saying?"

no, he probably doesn't. he just plays a character who says those things in a ridiculous way that makes their inherent ridiculousness clear and visible.

"but so... is he making fun of bill o'reilly?"

yes.

"but he says the same things as bill o'reilly?"

also yes.

"but he wrote a book. what sorts of things does he say in his book? like, is his book written from his character's point of view, or his?"

considering the title of his book is "I Am America: And So Can You!", i think its from his character's point of view.

"...huh..."

she's still clearly confused. and that's when this up till now slow and creeping realization breaks over me like a wave; my sister, does not understand satire. she does not, get it. i manage to suppress a look of utter incredulity and horror, but inside, my brain is going nuts. my sister, who is totally intelligent, totally going to be a doctor, totally smarter than most people, hands down, cannot understand satire.

i haven't the words, really. i just thought i'd share.

The Danger of Being Right

sometimes, you make ridiculous assumptions about people right after meeting them. i've found i can't avoid doing this. i can't stop it. i'm on intuitive, vibe-sensing, personality-typing overdrive, and the brakes DO NOT work. i've tried to temper this by with-holding judgement, or for those of you who argue "what you just described IS judgement!" i try not to let my conclusions completely color how i interact with that person.

because you can make someone into who you think they are if you treat them a certain way. its a self-fulfilling prophecy.

i also try to be open to being wrong. it happens. i've had to reverse positions. and i hate it, but i mean, what am i gonna do? some battles, you've just gotta wave the white flag for.

but unfortunately from a "he'll learn someday" standpoint, my first responses are often fairly accurate. and sometimes, that's rather sad. sad that i'm accurate, and sad that people can be the ways they are. of course, i have a story to illustrate this whole thing, and like most of my stories these days, it occurs at work:

we've been severely understaffed for like, months. so i'm ecstatic that we've recently hired three new baristas. they're all in training right now. two are younger and seem just fine. one, A., is a little older, and we're going to pick on him.

A. is like, late twenties or early thirties. he's shortish (or average height, probably. skewed height perception on my part...) hispanic, and has a very upbeat and positive demeanor. like, dude is cheery. way cheery. and i'm sorry, but there's a certain kind of cheeriness that immediately puts me on edge, and makes me suspicious. maybe its just my general paranoia. maybe its unfair to distrust happy people. i don't care. A. seemed suspicious. threat level jumped to orange, and information gathering went into overdrive.

the day after meeting A., he had a long training session while i was at the store. while he was working with someone, i made a joke to someone dealing with the fact that i'm jewish. only that someone was sort of far away, so i made the joke sort of loudly. A. was all interested. "you're jewish? wow!" i see him talk to my store manager for a second, they point at me, and she nods. jew-ness confirmed. later that day, A. was next to me while i was at bar, and made some further inquiries.

"have you ever been to israel?"

"no. i was supposed to go this summer, but it didn't work out."

"ahh. i went just recently with my church. it was amazing! it was really something! have you heard of CUFI? they're the organization i went with."

"oh... no, i haven't heard of CUFI. what's that?"

"oh! Christians United For Israel. its great! what they do is, there are a lot of jews in parts of europe and africa that are really poor, and so CUFI basically gives them money to move to israel, and teaches them how to live in society. its amazing to see!"

at this point, several things have been confirmed; A. is indeed cheery, because he's full of the jebus. and he's apparently part of one of those "end time" organizations that needs jews to live in israel, and israel to remain whole and unpartitioned, so that things are ripe for the rapture, the reckoning, and all that fun creepy new testament cult stuff. y'know, when all the jews will either have to convert to fundamentalist christianity, or go to hell. the conversation is definitely on dangerous ground, if only because i'm unable to say ANYTHING that reveals my own positions on all this. i'm not giving A. ANY sort of an opening. fuck, the fuck, no.

"i see... what church do you go to?"

"oh! pastor hagee, up at cornerstone? you know him?"

oh yes. yes, i know him. know of him rather. and yes, that's the same pastor hagee who, if you follow the news, was getting john mccain in trouble because they were all buddy buddy, only news organizations got ahold of the fact that hagee called the catholic church "the great whore," blamed hurricane katrina on all the gays gathering in new orleans for southern decadence, and said that the holocaust was basically sort of a good thing, because it ensured the creation of israel and the return of jews to the promised land (again, a necessary event for end time proceedings).

"yeah... i know the place."

"yeah. a lot of jews are really excited about what CUFI and cornerstone are doing! a bunch of orthodox jews aren't too thrilled, but a lot of more moderate, mainstream jews are really with us!"

"hmm..."

at this point, i'm sort of sadly resigned to the fact that A. is going to be one of those people at work who i just have to be on friendly professional terms with, and have absolutely no meaningful contact with whatsoever. i'm also biting my tongue to keep from asking him how CUFI feels about iran. y'know... cuz i don't want to get fired...

because while A. thinks this is all information that will make me like him, i actually get nauseous thinking about the unholy union of fundamentalist christians and politically pragmatic jews united to keep israel safe, but for completely different reasons, and with both simply betting the other group's theology is wrong. i think its ugly, and i think unquestioned support of israel, particularly in the face of its relationship with palestinian refugees, is a simplistic and (perhaps unintentionally) cruel foreign policy.

i tell A. that "you can't win 'em all," in order to wrap up the conversation. but i'm left feeling sad that my hunch was pretty much correct. and also feeling sad that i'm in no position to actually have a discussion with A. about all this. partly because we're in a work environment, and if he keeps pursuing this line of conversation i'm eventually going to have to politely shut him down, just because it really isn't workplace appropriate, and also because i don't want to hear about it. the other issue is, in my experience, talking with people like A., or who have beliefs like A.'s, is a fruitless venture. they have their answers, they know their truth, and anything you say will meet with rebuttal and a fresh sally on your own views, whatever they may be.

and granted, i'm just as unflinching in my own political and spiritual beliefs as A. i will never "come around," because i find fundamentalist christianity terrifying, and the support of groups like CUFI feels disingenuous to the point of making me ill. you want to help out my country so that all my people can go to hell when you and your flock rise up to heaven? umm... thanks? no! fuck you! its a pointless thing.

but i now know how i should have introduced myself when A. and i first met.

"hi! i'm j. my brother toilet papered your pastor's house!"

CAUTION

fireworks are dangerous.

when lighting fuse, be wary of getting scared when it catches cuz its a big motherfucker, running away like a bitch, spending ten blissful seconds watching it burst all blue and pretty while a spark burns out on your foot, having a sandal fly off your foot mid stride as you run towards the safety of your house, leaning down to grab it with the hand carrying the gas kitchen lighter, catching the sandal, but overbalancing and scraping your knee on the driveway as you tuck your shoulder and roll (cuz you're smart, after all...) and the launching tube skitters across the drive while your brother hunkers at the front door and says, "josh? what the hell happened?"

bonus: going out to take the launcher in so it doesn't get wet if it rains, and seeing your neighbor outside with a flashlight, looking for the perpetrators of this crime. and hoping they don't see you getting rid of evidence.

fireworks are awesome.

but very very dangerous.

please be advised.