WALL-E

it might be my purpose in life to perpetually stumble about this world, naive and amazed, dazed and confused, gravely injured and still trying to greet everyone i meet with a smile and an open hand...

there are worse things.

there we went.

perhaps because i went full blown crazy all up in his face, or perhaps because the distance would always be a problem, or perhaps because its just how things were supposed to go, my new obsession has found someone else he would rather be intimate with.

i'm a little upset.

he would like us to be friends (don't we all always say that? do some of us mean it? do i?) but i'm not sure i can be a friend when i desperately want to see him naked; when i still want to explore his flesh; when the thought of him bestowing himself on another still hurts, and leaves me feeling alone, and jealous. that doesn't sound like a healthy friendship to me.

and while joseph was just a dead situation, this one really feels like my fault. like, i really might have succeeded in driving him off. maybe i needed to prove i could do it. maybe i'm over-estimating my agency in the whole thing. but i'll tell you what. either way, it does not, make me feel, like a super functional, together, with it person. in fact, it sort of makes me feel like the opposite. it makes me feel like i fucked up, and i'm fucked up, and a fuck up, and i'm really tired and whacked out right now, and its not a good time to judge these things. but i just, feel, fucked.

and it's stupid for me to even be looking for happiness at the hands of another. what i should be looking at, is my own inability to believe that i am deserving of love, and kindness, and acceptance, and any of those things that are my god-given fucking right! that all of us, no matter how fucked up, deserve. i cannot accept them. i will not take them. its like i don't have the neurons that deal with the uptake of love chemicals.

i feel damaged.

and this was probably all just an attempted rebound after the dismal wreck that was my final experience with joseph. i was feeling desperate, and lonely, and sad, and i wanted to find someone to love me. and then i freaked out when it seemed like i had, and i pushed them away. and so its all over now.

i used to say that we all deserved whatever we have the courage to desire. i don't know if i believe that right now... deserve is a terrible word... it always sounds punitive to me now... i deserve punishment? i deserve loneliness? i don't think i do. but i don't currently have the tools to change those mental roadblocks.

i don't know how to fix anything about my life, and it just seems like there's so much wrong with it.

how the hell do i get a do-over?

i want a fucking do-over...

i want a cigarette.

i want my mother to fall asleep, so i can sneak outside and smoke a cigarette or twenty.

i'm not very happy right now...

on the other hand, i can swim a mile, and am excited to be adding lap swimming to my workout plan.

now i if i could convince myself that i will ever be skinny enough to deserve... something...

i need help.

aaand here we go:

so i'm back. things have been... eventful.

i don't think i really have the time to discuss it all, but there are a few things i would like to get out there.

i haven't spoken to joseph since reunion. i just... i don't know what to say, and don't trust myself to say it in any manner that is fair or makes sense. i know that in part, i have to apologize for putting my own desires for our relationship ahead of what is actually good for him. and not in the sense of wanting a romance when there is just not one in the offing, but in looking more for my own satisfaction and ego-reenforcement in any of our interactions. for making my own demands for comfort and intimacy paramount, and ignoring his own need for space and distance. so i fucked up there. i didn't fuck up, persee, but i didn't think, and i acted selfishly, and joseph, my dear, i'm sorry for that. you deserve more from me. i'm sorry i didn't deliver.

aside from the above, i am upset. mostly, because i thought you were strong enough to deal with me, and to not quail in the face of my emotions. but looking over recent events, maybe you were just being smart. maybe you understood my voraciousness more than i did. maybe you saw how completely i want to dissolve boundaries, and forge connections that you have no desire to engage in, and be responsible for. i am ravenous, and out of control. and i can understand your misgivings about doing anything that might encourage me.

and so fast forward to the present.

i am about to have a conversation with someone i've met. its all online so far. but that same emotional overload; that same lightning storm has caused a rift. and i'm afraid. i'm terribly afraid that i've shot myself in the foot, while keeping my foot firmly pressed to the poor man's chest. my hunting for inner secrets, my certainty that everyone has a dark side, my obsession with knowing all there is to know, and more, my passion for understanding... all of these have led me to endanger something that could be really wonderful. because this one, this man, doesn't seem afraid of feelings, or emotional connection, or physical connection, or romance, or any of the things that seem to be my undoing.

and i'm afraid to talk to him. i'm afraid that i'm trying to extend this fantasy even now, by writing to you, rather than taking a deep breath and plunging into the conversation at hand... the fact that he still wants to talk to me is not without its own kernel of hope.

and now he's messaged me.

i don't know what luck would look like in this situation, but i hope for it all the same.

Not

things you are not:

you are not a cruel person. you are just a person, like me.

you are not someone who satisfies.

you are not someone who pushes boundaries, or is overly willing to go too far in an attempt to sketch out limits.

you are not very able to give or receive love.

you are not really to blame for these things, in a way.

you are not worth my tears. and so far, i haven't cried any.

you are not worth my sanity, though god knows my brain is humming along on all cylinders now...

you are not worth my time and efforts, which can be better spent elsewhere.

you are not worth my being fat, because no cake can fill the void i feel.

you are not worth lung cancer, no matter how attractive smoking seems in the aftermath.

you are not worth my feeling bad about myself, because i loved you the best i knew how, for as long as i was able.

you are not who i thought you were, or who i wished you were. and i cannot be angry about that.

you are not the recipient of my energies and worry anymore. they never did you any good in the first place.

you are not able to improve the quality of my life.

you are not able to gaze at me unafraid.

you are not who i made you out to be.

and sometimes, it all makes me feel so free, that i swear my feet don't touch the ground.

you cannot hold me unless i let you, and every day, i push further past your arms.

i do not need you anymore.