Mid-Course Correction?

i've decided i'm tired of being "the weird guy."

cuz that's totally what i am, who i am, the character i end up being in everyone's life, including mine. i'm that crazy, funny guy; i'm the guy who talks to himself, and who dances around, even when there's no music. i'm that guy that says funny things. i'm that guy who always gets played by a character actor. i'm the guy who isn't super-attractive (even though i sort of am) and who plays second fiddle to the guy who gets the girl. i'm the guy whose name is never above the title during the credits. i'm the funny-man, the second banana, the kramer.

i'm tired of it.

i'm tired of it not in that i think i'm being somehow not "genuine." i think i'm being perfectly me. i haven't even been thinking overly much about how i'm presenting myself to who, and how they are in turn perceiving me. well, my "not thinking much" is often your "thinking way too damn much." but still, i'd been doing well for me. i've to a surprising degree, just been living. but here i am, able to count the number of close friends in the area on one hand. to everyone else, i've been classified as the nutty dude who may or may not be a complete and utter pot-head. i'm the loopy one who no one wants to really pry open and take a look inside of.

i'm tired of it.

and i'm not tired of it in the sense that i want to fundamentally change who i am. nor do i like caring about how i'm being perceived. but i'm finding a dearth of people who are willing to look at me wholly and fully, not as simply a caricature of a few of my personality traits. i'm tired of being pigeon-holed. and much as i would resist it until fully ready, i'm tired of people having little desire to explore me more fully. i'm tired of weak people who are willing to take what i feed them, and have no interest in rising to the delicious and complex challenge that i am.

in short, i feel like i'm not allowed to be a protagonist in my own life. i feel like i'm perpetually there to amuse others, and even me, but that a constant parade of people are passing me by, spinning out their own stories and making progress, making love, making connections. and i'm the funny guy. the creepy guy. my story never gets told.

and i wonder, as i type this, how much of this is because i won't let my story go on. i'm on the right path, but i know i'm... still in a holding pattern? not moving on? i don't know. i'm working on it. but i'm still in first gear? i also wonder how much i'm simply creating my own reality with people. i know i project an air of unapproachability. sure, i'm goofy and funny and shit, but i'm very careful about what i see as "imposing" on other people, or looking desperate or lonely. so i don't ask to be included, and i don't do anything to invite them to. and i have a great many "protective mechanisms" in place, and even if people aren't consciously aware of them, or understand what i'm doing, i'm sure they sense them. i think i trick people into thinking i'm dangerous, and that they should stay away for their own good.

maybe i am dangerous, and they should stay away for their own good...

but for the love of fucking god, not EVERYONE should stay away!!!

geeze...

so i don't know. i don't particularly want to be "normal," but i sort of do. i don't feel like i'm THAT cracked out... but maybe i am. i just don't know. but i know i'm lonely, and i know i'm tired of being whatever it is that people take me for.

i'm tired of being taken for less than i am.

i'm tired of it.