Feeling Kinda Hostile...

sooo i'm in a foul mood.

yes, i know, this isn't really a "suprise" or "something out of the ordinary" or "blah blah blah blah sarcasm!" i know i'm petulant and whiny. i know you know. but i'm the one writing this blog. i KNOW why i'm coming back. if YOU'RE coming back, well, maybe you should be looking at that, huh?

so everyone at work basically thinks i'm a total pot-head. AND NO, I'M NOT!!! i've actually been stone cold sober and unaltered for almost two years now. but apparently, i still act and look like a total druggie. this is not actually a surprise, per-see, but it was still sort of disheartening. like, if i'm going to be perceived as a smoked out weirdo anyway, shouldn't i at least actually smoke and have the fun?

and no, no, no, that's not really an option. because i get really non-functional when i'm stoned, and i don't like the person i eventually became when i was actively smoking. i'd like to not be that person again. so i'm not going to smoke. but really... geeze. i didn't know i was that ridiculous...

best part: i was so tired and mildly ill the day after i got let in on this rumor that i was COMPLETELY cracked out. full on spazz mode. that, and the fact that i was sort of fixated on the situation, made it all just look like the world's worst denial.

and really, i don't overly care. except that i've been working so hard to stay clean... sigh...

and today, i got written up for giving away free drinks to co-workers when they aren't actually working. a no brainer, right? sort of. allow me...

as much as i was aware that free drinks are only during a shift, and the half hours before and after a shift, it was made quite clear to me by co-workers that what you did, when someone from the store came in off-shift, was hook them up. end of discussion. against the rules, yes. but what you do.

now admittedly, i'm not that great at like, subtlety, or reading into the finer points of a situation. i should have been more careful, obviously. but i wasn't. i didn't think to distinguish between times when a manager in on the sitch was around, or when a manager NOT in on the sitch was around. i didn't think to keep it quiet and low-key. so last week, i got caught by our new manager (who i'm sort of friends with. except when she needs to lay the smack down. its all very difficult, this personal versus professional stuff. and i'm horrible at it.) giving free beverages to an off-duty co-worker, and she gave me a verbal warning.

which was irritating enough, because then i get mad at her as i would at a friend. when she's totally just got her boss hat on and is doing her job. i know it isn't a reflection on how she feels about me personally, and i know that i'm not good at separating personal and professional. in fact, i'm not sure how much i've EVER developed the "professional" side of that equation. anyway, i digress.

so today, the district manager was in the store all day (FUN!!!) working with our store manager. during a break, store manager pulls me into the office (he actually politely asked me to come into the back room for a minute. there were no goons. it was not a mob-type thing.) and tells me that during discussion, the manager who caught me mentioned the episode described above to the both store and district manager. so the same incident was filed as a written warning.

now, i'm told (and i probably AM) getting off lucky, as giving away drinks is tantamount to stealing from the company, and i could have been terminated instead of getting a verbal warning. and then, i could have gotten terminated instead of getting a written warning. now, i can just be terminated the next time i'm caught doing it. which will probably be never. sort of. i don't know.

but in the meantime, i'm irritated, because of a few things:

1) i'm irritated because i was caught, and i got in trouble. simple as that. everyone knows that rules are there, and that they're to be followed. i know this, i agree with this, but i also think that rules just shouldn't apply to me, especially when i've been breaking them. its a human thing, we all feel like that, its how we're wired. whatever.

2) i'm irritated because of my own problems with not being able to distinguish when things are personal, and when things are professional. the easy solution would be to always be professional when i'm at work. but that doesn't sound like any fun to me, and i would like to be able to relax and have fun while i'm working. by the way, i think i'm getting some sort of eye twitch from the sustained stress. that's something separate though.

3) i'm irritated because the store manager knows that basically, everyone and their dog gives away drinks to a few people. but i'm the one who happened to have done it most recently, i'm the one who was brought up in conversation, so i'm the one who got the slap on the wrist. dumb luck.

4) i'm irritated because i'm getting dinged twice for the same instance. i got my verbal warning, and trust me, i heard it. i don't like being in trouble, i don't like being irritated with my boss for being a boss because i'm personally hurt by something she did as a professional.

5) i'm irritated because it feels arbitrary. we all bend the rules, we all skirt some things. and i work damn hard. i take my job seriously, i make myself be pleasant to all the customers, i work really hard on the bar, i do what i'm told, even if its not my favorite task, etc, etc, etc. this is embarassing. i'll warn you now. but i really like starbucks, and i really like my job. i don't like starbucks as a corporate entity, i don't think, but i like them for giving me a job, and giving me a place to go and work. i like them for giving me benefits, and taking care of me. and i like the people i work with, and the store i work at. i like being a part of all of that. and the people i work with know it, i think. i'm pretty sure... anyway, to be so invested in something, and then get dinged for something that really seems like a technicality... well shit. what the fuck?

i do understand that the disciplinary action has nothing to do with how my managers feel about me. and i completely understand that we lose a good chunk of change every day from people giving away drinks. i understand that its technically stealing from the company, and i understand why its as serious an offense as it is.

but in the interest of not short-changing myself, i FEEL really upset. i FEEL really fucking pissed. i'm irritated, i'm annoyed, and i'm really fucking ANGRY. i'm not sure what to do with it, or where to put it, but its there.

and that was my day at work.

also, in the "Use It Or Lose It" department, my sadly neglected jockal area has jock itch. which is in actuality, a minor fungal infection. but i can't find my lamisil. and its gonna sting when i do.

all in all, what with the tiredness, and crap, and the dick issue, i feel like i'm falling apart, and i don't necessarily feel like its even worth the effort to put myself back together again.

and having written about my jock-itch, i am now absolutely certain that someone i know will find this all. because the chance of my cover being blown increases in direct proportion to just how embarrassing things get on this page. well, we have a new winner.

Jock Itch, everyone, Jock Itch.