A Million Dollars

i'm sorry that i got my panties in a twist over stupid issues involving money.

i feel like i got caught up in what i hate about this season in the first place; the hectic, insane drive to prove your love to all the people you hold dear by spending the right amount of money on the right gift, and presenting it the right way.

love and money don't seem to mix well, in my mind... love should be freely given, and returned in kind. and gifts are nice, but its what they mean that matters rather than what they cost or what they are.

what i'd really like this holiday season, is to be free of this. to be free of these doubts and hurts and "reasons" for anger and self-pity. i'd like to feel clean and purposeful, and happy. i'd like to be busy, and to feel like i'm headed in a good direction. i would like the journey to start feeling good, with a bracing wind cooling the sweat on my brow and my pack feeling easy on my back.

i'd like to feel happy and content. if only for a little while.

and i'd like for my family to feel happy and content too. i don't want them to feel the need for gifts that right wrongs, or presents that make up for things past. i want them all to feel wonderful, and grand, and happy, and content; pleased with where they are and who they are right now.

i just get worked up sometimes. and it gets hard to figure out what is what anymore.

but since i promised:

today, my cat knocked a plastic container of hoya cuttings off the windowsill. then the dog ran through the spilled water and tracked paw-prints all over the house. meanwhile, the spreading puddle damaged several papers and books important to mom.

my cat also decided he likes lying around inside our springy foldable mesh hamper. the dog is kept at a decent distance, and when cat bats at the dog, the whole hamper lurches forward. all in all, its pretty fun to watch them during these one-sided cage matches.

he's also decided he likes sleeping near my feet.