Ask Me About My Psychotic Break!

no, not really.

by which i mean i have not actually had a psychotic break. yet. (i'd hate to rule something out, y'know?) if i do have a psychotic break, i can assure you, i will let my blog, and by extension, its readers (assuming i have any...) know ALLLL about it. in detail. and if you ask about it, i'll tell you about it, if i feel like it, or not.

sigh...

so i started starbucks job today. it was all talking from the manager (who goddamnit, has one normal eye and one not as normal eye, which is already something i'm having to work hard at not noticing. like, every time i look at his face (which was like, for hours today, as he gave his opening spiel) i had to look him in the eyes, firmly and fully, and act like i totally was NOT noticing the aberrant eye and wondering how it ended up that way.) and paper work, and here is this, there is that, this is what you do, blah blah blah.

i forgot to take a xanax before i went in. i will not be making that mistake again.

but at any rate, i'm already sort of spazzing out. the shirt i was wearing (a black button-down with tiny white pinstripes) was NOT up to dress-code specifications. it is surely a black shirt, and it surely has a collar, and looks very nice on me, but it does not meet the requirements. i can see why; they want shirts either plain white, or plain black. but still... isn't the point that i look nice?

its not really my place to wonder why. its not my place to ask questions. its not my place to flip out about the dress-code. but i have these... "issues..." like, every time i start feeling like my freedom is being restricted, its like a hot brand on my skin. i freak. i start feeling like i'm in a cell and the door is swinging shut. and its not a logical response, and its not a realistic response, and i'm writing about it because i want to get this anxiety out of my system, at least enough to where i don't want to quit after my first day.

i have a gun perpetually aimed at my foot, and i have a really itchy trigger finger.

everyone seems nice there. the other guy starting today is Phil; he seems to be your standard skinny twink. i'm pretty sure he plays for my team, but i have no interest in throwing any balls his way. he seems... nice. i guess. i met a few other people who seem nice as well. they all make me feel old, but they're nice.

its just a job.

i need to keep reminding myself that its just a job, and that it really doesn't merit my expending all this energy over it. it doesn't define who i am. the clothing i wear doesn't define who i am either. and on that note, it might actually be helpful that the manager's name is also josh, so i get a nickname. it may help me disassociate my starbucks' identity from my actual identity. and you know what? none of its a really big deal. it just isn't that big a deal.

but i think i'll add another strand of beads to my "individuality necklace*."

*the individuality necklace is the necklace i decided to make immediately upon hearing i had been hired. since i inevitably feel the need to act out against any sort of perceived restraint, i decided to do so using a specific item that i could actually wear to work rather than incurring a variety of dressing downs for actual infractions. so far it has one strand of beads. after today, i'm wondering how many strands can actually fit on the clasp i'm currently using...

oh and look. i italicized text on my blog for the first time ever! i am truly trying new things today.

so much of this random bullshit is my rampant desire to not look like a nimrod. i don't want to have to clean toilets and mop floors and empty trashcans in front of people. because the ugly truth is that i feel like such activities are below me. not that i don't do them at home or anything. i just feel like they're private activities. i just... i'm just scared. and it'll be all right. it'll be okay. but i am scared. and we'll just have to see how things go.

and now, i'm going to work on my individuality necklace (doesn't it sound like a camp art project?) and get ready for yoga.

obviously, i'll keep you informed.