Bungly-Krash-ka-Jinglejinglejingle-SWU-THUNK!

life is like the ultimate game of chasing jack-rabbits.

that would be a southern expression. or a texan expression. either way, let me explain...

jack-rabbits (which are NOT cute and cuddly... all right, III think they're cute... but they'll basically kick the shit out of you if you even manage to get close enough...) are a common enough species out here. they are wily and athletic. when startled, or just whenever they feel like it, they will bound away at great speed. but the key, the KEY to their escape lies in their habit of changing direction often and erratically, without noticeably slowing down.

when someone is prone to taking sudden tangents and circuitous paths when talking, rather than a straight line from point A to point B, you say they're chasing jack-rabbits. if you can keep up, you also chase jack-rabbits, and may have a mental connection with this person not easily described or defined.

LIFE, is the ultimate jack-rabbit chase. and i'm not sure if ANY of us can really keep up with it.

hence, i have several disparate items to post about today.

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS

my paternal grandmother actually died today.

dad and his mom have been estranged (mostly because of him) for the past several years; maybe a decade or more. during that time, she has lost two of her children (the middle son to a heart attack, her eldest son to alcoholism) and moved around the northeast region of the country, drifting from one relative to another, one living situation to another. she finally settled with a grandson (now a doctor in rochester, new york) and has been near him for the past bit of time.

today, while visiting the doctor, she was sent to get an x-ray. this required a walk across the parking lot, in the cold and frozen north. (where winter is more than a philosophical idea) she walked across, got x-rayed, and on her walk back, slipped, fell, and hit her head. hard.

ludmilla stone was a tough old bird. she lived to age 87, mostly by simply keeping a stubborn stranglehold on life and refusing to let go. true to form, after hitting her head, she got up from the asphalt, and finished walking back to the doctor's office. by that time, she was apparently incoherent, and clearly in bad shape, but by god, she made it to where she was going. they took her to the emergency room, did all the things that one does in that situation. but by the time grandson got there, she was comatose, and she slipped away at six thirty eastern standard time today.

she was my last surviving grandparent.

dad called at nine tonight to tell me. my first response was "you're kidding." grandma lud was a fact of life. she can't die! she's like the wind, man, she just blows on no matter what you do. "of course you're not kidding. god, what a horrible joke that would be!" stone's often take refuge in humor, even/especially in inappropriate situations. i asked if he's all right. he says he is; he severed all ties to her (he thinks) a long time ago. so we chatted about it briefly, and hung up.

me: i don't know what to feel. i know i'm sad, but right now, its mostly strange. it really is like she was a fact of life rather than a person who could and would eventually die. and my relationship with her was estranged as well, simply because dad didn't really encourage his kids to develop relationships with her. it got a little better as i got older, and began to take responsibility for parts of my life (begrudgingly, i assure you). i spoke to her on my birthday this last september.

i don't know what to say about her. she had a hard life, married to a horrible man. she buried two children, and was estranged from the other two up until the last. she was callous, and difficult, and so frail frail frail by the end... the last time i saw her was at sister's graduation from college. she was pulling in on herself like old people do, gently curling into a permanent fetal position, even as they walk around. her skin was translucent, and her hair was smooth white.

and she fucking loved me, up until the last. however she could, in her own imperfect way, she loved me, and wanted the best for me, always. no matter how much i neglected her (and at times i did) and how much i loathed talking to her on the phone (which i did for a long, long time) she remembered my birthday, sent cards at holidays, and she goddamned loved me.

and i think in my own flawed way, i loved her too. love calls to love. how can you not love someone when they love you so much, just because you're you? just because you exist?

she loved me, and wanted only the best for me, and encouraged me in my writing. and today, she died. i really, really, really hope she's at peace. i think she got precious little of it this lifetime.

Second Order of Business

not nearly as important. just a discussion of my day at work.

mostly, it was amazingly fun. i got to work the espresso bar, and man, when you get on the bar, fuck all the shit they teach you in the booklets. during down-time, my first coach worked with me on decoding cups and learning standard measures for each size of each drink. syrup, shots, milk, cream, garnish... ohhh so much. by the end, i was doing pretty well, i have to say. still asking a lot of questions, but ticking over pretty well on my own.

oh, and FUCK all that shit about cold beverages being another unit for another day. you hit the bar, you're doing it ALL. i can make all manner of frappuccino beverages (sometimes with help) and most iced teas and coffees. bitch, i'm the SHIT!

you don't really stop moving too often, and when you do have a lull, you restock cups, make sure all your ingredients are there and fresh, clean pitchers, and if you're new, ask lots and LOTS of questions, or make practice beverages. you just go! and it just left me feeling so damned industrious! whee-hah! rock the fuck out!

i wore an apron for the first time today. holler at that.

and i tried to be genuine, and courteous, and helpful, and all that shit that the book talks about. so i think i connected with the customers. most of the time.

it was awesome.

Third Order of Business

yoga today for the first time in like, a week. i still did pretty good. but the cold has not been kind to me feet. after my shower, i put on tiger balm and then covered them in socks. hopefully, that will help.

but yes. for a week break, i still managed a pretty good session. but oddly enough, my mind wouldn't stop turning over during relaxation. funny thing that.

it won't stop turning over now...

i [heart] xanax.