FUCK!

what do i do, what do i do, what do i do, what do i do?

i'm starting to feel happy and content.

and its all because of this stupid job. which doesn't mean i'm advocating that you all go out and work at starbucks or something... that would just be stupid. or would it? what if everyone just went out and worked in a coffee-house? and i'm thinking like, all the people in the pentagon, all the people in d.c., all the evil blood-sucking wall-streeters. what if we all just went to work for an only semi-evil corporate entity that actually tries to do some good in the countries it does business with?

world peace. within five years.

not actively doing harm and letting, say, norway, sweden, and the u.k. steer things for a while could ultimately be the best foreign policy this nation has seen in years. go ahead and add italy to the team, just for the style points. they could even call us up, and we could have a collective voicemail set up.

"nope! nope, don't know nothin' about that. however, i can get you a cup of fair trade coffee from an african nation i'm restructuring that will make you CRY its so good. oh yeah, we have them using renewable agriculture and every'ting. and ten cents from every cup you buy will go to finding a cure for AIDS. pound'a beans? ten dollars, and a buck to research. but if its about something else, no one's home. hope all's good!"

and yes. in this ridiculous fantasy, we all have scandinavian accents.

because i said so.

but seriously... i have tomorrow off, and i have no clue what i'm gonna do! what do i do with a day off!?

no, i'm worried. i'm worried i'll stop writing in my blog at all if i start feeling happy and content. and this is the only writing i even do right now! which is SO sad... but what if i start feeling happy enough to not use this medium to complain? worse, what if i keep writing about how pleased and satisfied i am? why the hell would any of you read that? i wouldn't want you to... but really, how boring!

i mean, i can blog about the people i work with...

Anne is my usual day manager, and she's the shit. i love her. she reminds me of someone, i can't put my finger on it. but she laughs at the things i say that are supposed to be laughed at, and i like her. she makes me feel good. if i were straight, there would totally be sparks. there might be sparks anyway. i might have a girl-crush on Anne. how creepy is that!

other than that, the only major thing i'm noticing is that i do not like R. R is another person-in-charge. she treats me well enough...

sorry, but i'm totally going to start stalking Anne. i'm going to go to jail for stalking someone who doesn't even have the equipment i'm down with.

and do not, do NOT, question my commitment to or love of dick! don't you EVER question my love of cock!

wow. i'm in the middle of a really creepy few seconds here where i'm actually questioning my sexuality... i'm seriously considering if i might be bisexual right now... do i bend in both ways? god knows i'd like to... sort of. but see, nope, vagina still terrifies me. i know, i KNOW, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me touching vagina. its like the eleventh commandment.

JOSHUA STONE, THOU SHALT NOT TOUCH A VAGINA.

i would seriously have to regress and desexualize to the point of exploring a vagina like a toddler in order to not simply fall down dead at contact.

and i'm sure there are no issues tied up in any of this.

anyway, R is just... i get a "vibe" from her... a, "bad vibe," if you will. she's like a flight attendant's smile. all glint, no emotion. she acts like her teeth hurt. and she feels as tightly wound as a watch spring. and i am pretty sure, that she doesn't like me much.

which is really fine with me, since clearly, i am not too hot on her. and not everyone has to like me. R and i just have to tolerate each other, and i'm sure we are both perfectly capable of that.

but if i were to sieze the store and rule it myself, i would totally fire her ass. first thing. on the spot.

is it wrong to say i miss the taste of cock?

seriously, i love the dick. i worship it. i'm a slave, to the dick.

am i crossing a line?

is my defensiveness showing?

am i overcompensating?

GOD I DON'T WANT TO LIKE PUSSY!!!

my misogyny is certainly showing... which is such a nice change from my general misanthropy...

i think i'm just really happy to be out of the house, doing something productive. i'm so so so so happy to be interacting with people during the day, customers and coworkers. i'm so fucking thrilled to be learning things, and doing things, and talking and laughing and yes, yes, dancing behind the register... i worked a register tonight! how crazy is that!? a REGISTER!!! with money in it! i'm sorry, but its all just so... stupid, obviously, but god, i'm fucking LOVING IT!

and i think Anne is just a part of that. i just want to be her friend. i have no desire to see her naked. there! a-HA! total lack of sexual desire. but she's just so cool, and great, and she likes me (hesitantly. she's still in the "feeling him out to make sure he's not an axe-murderer" phase of getting to know me.) and she is totally pretty, in a totally not conventional way, and its just all good. its all, fuckin' good.

i feel wonderful...

i am completely incapable of finding any sort of middle ground, ever.

mark my words, this will come back to bite me in the ass. and you'll know, too. i'll tell you ALLLLL about it.

but right now, i'm really fucking happy.

and its okay to be happy.

some might even say its good.

sigh...