Then Again, There's Violence

cheap therapy my ass.

i have impulse control issues. this should come as no surprise to you. maybe it should. i don't know. but regardless, when i start feeling intensely (which is, basically, anytime i let myself feel, AT ALL) i often start to have major fantasies about all sorts of kinds of actions. there is the eyes closed, orgasmic full-body shudder when i have an unbidden sexual thought about someone. there's the always humorous desire to just push someone for no reason. and then, there's the violent rage-fueled fantasies.

guess which kind i'm entertaining now.

guess.

my situation is starting to move beyond being "grating." this is no longer an unfortunate time period in my life. this is now officially a struggle to not buy a baseball bat and destroy everything i see. i'm starting to feel like i'm swamped in this thick, heavy black curtain. its acres wide, and feet thick, soft and dense, and completely devoid of light. and i really want to just punch, and kick, and scratch, and wail, and gnash my teeth, and bite and claw, and thrash, and do everything in my power to try and free myself. i'm willing to completely destroy myself if it just means i can find a way out of this stupid, smothering fucking felt wall.

i see myself smashing the light fixtures in my house. yelling at my family members. tearing things off the walls. breaking windows. knocking over furniture. the whole works. i just want to destroy it all. i want to break everything. i want to break the world. (haha, too late...)

i don't even want to try and find a job anymore. i do, but i'm so tired of being polite, and eager, and friendly, and smiling. i want to walk up to counters and desks and say, "i need a job. you need to give me one. send me to someone who can give me a job here."

i want to smoke like, a pack of cigarettes, all at once. i'd like to do anything that ends with me oblivious to what i've been feeling recently.

that's healthy, right?

right?