Is It Worth It? Lemme Work It...

I put my thang down, flip it, then reverse it...

what is worth it? and what is decidedly not? ya got a big trunk? oh i'll definitely search it, maybe even find out how hard i gotta work it. but no one with any-size trunk is approaching me, so that's not really here or there. sadly. however, i've come to a time of reckoning with my job search.

no, its not worth it. i mean, clearly, i need a job. i thought it was worth it, i thought getting a job at the University of Texas at Austin was totally worth it, and i even though living in austin, alone in my apartment save my cat, was worth it. i'd get a job, get my life in gear, have some money, schedule activities for my free time, make some friends, maybe find a partner for a little nookie, etc.

well, its been four or five months since all that began. i'm currently living at home with the family, because i can't stand the thought of living in austin alone. i've sent out fleets of letters each week applying to jobs in austin, and i'm no longer even getting the odd interview. rejections just drizzle into my mailbox, one or two a day. austin itself feels like a beautiful shoe that doesn't actually fit your foot. i love it, but it rubs in the wrong places, and wiggles around when i walk. i really, really want to be able to wear that shoe; i really want to feel okay in austin. but i don't.

so we're overhauling the jobsearch. i'm looking pretty strictly in san antonio now. and i'm trying to call people in the library system, scratching around trying to find an "in." i'm also applying to customer service centers at insurance agencies. possibly, i'll give medical transcription a try. but i'm trying to branch out now. because my efforts in one direction have hit a brick wall, and either i adapt, or i die. not like, physically dead, but you know.

but even in the first few days of this new search, i'm already getting discouraged. everyone wants you to apply online. you upload your resume, and a letter of interest, and everyone gets to be a set of documents. nice and impersonal for the HR departments, and sort of equal opportunity. you can't pre-judge anyone, because everyone is a slip of paper. whatever you can glean from their name is your image of them. beyond that, its dry skills and statistics. well, i'm still just as inexperienced as i was before. there's now a longer gap since my last job. and i've already been denied from one customer service job, becausei don't have enough experience, and blah blah blah...

what am i supposed to do? no one will meet with you face to face anymore, and obviously, my resume doesn't manage to distinguish me from anyone else. and believe me, i'm way far away from "anyone else". i just can't seem to convince anyone of that. i can't seem to convince anyone that i really did graduate from a prestigious university, that i made deans list during a condensed, high speed physics summer course, that i got into a super-competitive graduate program, and made it through a semester, even though i chose not to continue. i can't convince anyone that i've been in managerial positions, that i've effectively done my job, WAY better than those around me, that i'm intelligent, personable, even-tempered, professional, quick, funny, dedicated, and willing to really fucking WORK for the money i get paid.

and you know, all that stuff is in my resume. its all in my letters of interest. and its like no one hears it, or no one believes it. i feel like one of the puppets in those whack-a-mole games. every avenue means months of fighting; fighting my own depression and lethargy, fighting anxiety, fighting hopelessness, fighting against a system that seems unwilling to see me, and unwilling to even try. and each avenue is ending in brick walls. and i crash, pick up the pieces, reassemble them into a reasonable facsimile of myself, and start down another avenue.

to similar results.

and in my spare time, i wonder about the strange nature of our modern world, that so much of our self worth is tied to having a job, being productive, gettin' them wages, makin' that money. i try to separate my sense of self-worth (which is shakey to begin with) from my employment status. and its really fucking difficult. because every rejection notice is like being stamped with a giant "NOT GOOD ENOUGH; YOU LOSE" stamp.

i'm tired of it all. and that makes me unwilling to even try anymore. but i'll reach into my guts, and drag up that pleasant smile. i'll crease my eyes in just the right way to convey guileless enthusiasm, but without seeming desperate. i'll write letters, and fill out forms, and just keep on pressing on the door.

eventually its gotta give, right?