Cheap Therapy

blogging is cheap therapy. at least, for me it is. i get to hurl all the crap in my brain at a computer screen and watch it dribble down, waiting for you to consume it. all the raw brains i jettison go straight to you! and isn't that just so special and sweet of me? i think you should send me a cute little thank you card. filled with money.

i'm not good at updating once a week. i can only imagine how thrilled my friend and her associates are to have me on board for this project... the spazzy lazy one, who doesn't update and abuses his readers. yup, i'm gonna make a WHOLE MESS'A FRIENDS with this baby!

i'm getting to that irritating place, where its midnight, and i really am tired, but i just can't go to sleep. my brain won't shut down. no matter how much i've done during the day, it just isn't enough. my wheels continue to spin, and gummy allergied eyes shift around in their sockets, looking for diversions. i read every horoscope i can think of, check to see if my webcomics have updated, read my news sites, see if there's anyone worth oggling on my dating site, read a book, crochet a hat, play final fantasy XII, chat with people online who i like a lot, or just a little. i'll do anything but just lay back and close my eyes, and try to go to sleep.

i feel like if i do that, i might cry.

fucked up, no?

every day, i do the job-search routine. i do at least one crossword puzzle because i'm absolutely certain they're "good for me." i go to the gym and burn 650 calories, or go to yoga and end up soaked in a gallon of my own sweat. i try to take care of all those stupid little tasks that make up real life. filling prescriptions, shopping, drinking coffee, keeping up on current events, etc.

i would be so ready to sleep if i felt at all like i'm not wasting my life...

and its all in my head. because my body is exhausted. i'm not eating enough, or doing too much physical activity. because i can't make it through my yoga sessions like i used to be able to. i feel weak, and depleted, and just used up. i know something will turn up eventually. i know this stage of life can't last forever. sort of. i'm pretty sure it isn't permanent... anyway, at some point, something will click. i'll get a job. or have an epiphany. or something. but in the meantime, i'm so tired. i'm not the most optimistic person under the best of circumstances, (i can literally hear all your eyes rolling and the chorus of "no, really?") and this is starting to stretch too long, this whole situation. i need me a little bit of hope. and its not coming in from anywhere.

i've been holed up in my hometown for almost three months now. maybe longer. its just a short drive from austin, so i can go back to the apartment whenever i want. but i never want. i've been applying to jobs in austin, and here in town, and am just letting the situation tell me what's next. that way, i can stop trying to make the decision about whether to leave austin, or stay. i don't want to make that decision, so i'm quite happy to drift along, and let whatever happens, happen. abject surrender is not necessarily a bad thing. and there's not right or wrong answer. so why not just let the current take me?

in other news, my collection of seeds from native and adapted plants is reaching epic proportions. i at least need to go get my plants from austin, and my gardening bench. there are things that need to be done, involving soil, and seeds, and pots and saucers. and i need to rescue my eucalyptis. its hung in there during my abscence, and it deserves to be taken here and cared for properly. i love me that plant! hot diggity!

this is such a pitiful entry... no, its not. it just hasn't hit its stride yet. i'll just keep trying different things until something sticks. i guess.

sadly, writing this blog entry is actually making me sleepy.

i'm done.

stick a fork in me. i'll talk to you later.