Fulfillments

satisfaction is a tough bird to run down. fulfillment isn't easily caught, and if it is caught, it always slides away before too long. there's a constant hunt, a humanity-wide perpetual motion machine of seeking that holy grail.

at least, i'm a perpetual motion machine in my search for fulfillment. for all kinds of fulfillment, all at the same time. like the multiple orgasm, cluster-fuck of fulfillment. i want fulfillment in every available hole, tickling every nerve ending, engaging every aspect of my body and brain and soul. clearly, this is never going to fully happen.

my mom told me about a workshop she went to that discussed "two basic types of people". all these "two types of people" things are bullshit. but this one serves as an interesting tool. there are "satisfizers," and "maximizers." satisfizers look at what they have, evaluate the situation they're presented with, and choose to be all right with it. some things could be better, some could be worse, but all in all, they decide that they're going to be happy with what they've got. they either choose to be satisfied, or its simply a hardwired behavior. maximizers look at that same situation, and slowly drive themselves insane. they can't accept what's in front of them, or are unwilling to accept it. there's this little detail that could be tweaked this way, and that irritating fold that could be undone and flattened. the imperfections well huge in their vision, and they set out to get as much out of the situation as they can. they need to maximize returns.

guess which one i am...

just guess...

sometimes, i would like to be a satisfizer. i would like to be at peace with myself, with my surroundings, my life as it currently is. i want to sit down, and not feel like there's something that urgently needs doing. i want to live without the harsh voice in my head that's constantly telling me i could have done that better, or that i don't do enough, etc, etc, etc. and this gets caught up with my own... obsessive nature. or my low self esteem and its backpack full of need for acceptance. i want to be a satisfizer. i want to be happy. but most of the time, the thought of sitting back and feeling complete and full frightens me. it feels like laziness, and it feels like a surrender to forces that are, in fairness, out of my control. i don't know a life where i'm not hungry. where there isn't some project that i'm pouring myself into. i don't know days when i'm not yearning for something, or lusting after it, or pursuing it like a shark, or in my own patented, round-a-bout way. and most importantly, i don't believe i'd be truly alive if i wasn't hot on the heels of my next promise of (temporary) deliverance.

i was so fucking thrilled with my job at starbucks. and yes, that was a past tense "was" in the previous sentence. i still like the job. i like having a job. i like getting a bit of a pay check. i'm not thrilled at having to go back to austin to finish emptying out my apartment, but its something to get through and i can spend the rest of my life trying to sort out what those two years in austin meant, in the grand scheme of things. the people at the shop are nice. i'm making fewer mistakes. the manager is pleased with my work at the bar. i'm quite pleased with my work at the register. its fine. its really just fine.

but its not enough. i knew it wouldn't be enough. it wasn't supposed to be enough. i can never have "enough." i want more. i want harder. i want better. i want faster. i want stronger. i want things to be deeper. i want things to be more meaningful. i want things to be more beautiful. i want things to be more sensitive. i want things to have more layers. i want things to be smarter, hipper, with a bangin' beat, and more genuine lyrics. i want more and more and more and more and more!

i'm like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; the one who wants the world, who wants the WHOLE world, who wants to lock it all up in her pocket, its her bar of chocolate.

at any rate, please don't laugh. i couldn't tell my dad because he would laugh, and i would get angry, and harsh words would be exchanged, and then i'd have to apologize, and we'd go back to the status quo. because he doesn't know any other way to be. and its that or nothing. so don't laugh, but yes, i am dissatisfied with my job at starbucks. i graduated sixty-fifth in a high-school class of six-hundred and fifty. i graduated from a premier liberal arts college in the expected four years. i performed more than admirably at a standardized testing company. i got into the u.t. architecture graduate program, and successfully completed the first semester with no grade less than a b-. and i am dissatisfied with a barista position at starbucks.

DUH!!!

it was just so wonderful the first few weeks. i was out of the house, and there was all this new information to learn, and all these new skills to acquire. there were new people to meet, and things to do, and it was just such a wonderful change from sitting on my ass all day looking for a job that just wouldn't, fucking, appear.

well, i always knew that this wasn't my life's ambition. this isn't my goal. its a way station. its making me money while i figure out what it is that i'm really here to do. its keeping my from atrophying in so many ways. but it is not fulfilling. i am not full. i am not at ease. i am not, SATISFIED.

i am not UNhappy, but i am not HAPPY either. i am in between.

and considering where i've been emotionally the past few months, in between isn't that bad. at all. but after just a couple weeks of happiness, i'm ready to stick a spike in my arm if it gets me back to that feeling. its addictive, this positive sort of existence! and i'll get it back. i'm tired right now, and it was a rough day. i worked bar, and i'm not so hot at that yet, but i'll only get better by practicing. but still. two or three hours of doing something i'm not very good at really wears at me. who likes doing things they're bad at?

this is just what's going on right now. it will be different soon. perhaps better, even!

a real christmas post soon enough. i'm not ready to rehash right now. but i got my korean drum, and it is beautiful and loud, and i love it like... i just love it. i love banging it. i love remembering the rhythms. and i'm very excited to practice outside around the neighborhood. other than that, food was wonderful, the family was pleasant, and all gifts, all around, seemed appreciated and thoughtful.

sadly, it didn't really feel like a day off. being around family, behaving and being pleasant and all that jazz... its TIRING!

and this is tiring too. i know i slacked off this month. its been busy. but hopefully, i'll get back to toeing the line here. its just so much EASIER when i'm pissed... i swear... tolkien said in "the hobbit" that the happy parts of adventures, the weeks spent in the house of elrond, etc., were glossed over, because they are static. there are no monsters or adventures or hikes during the happy times. its the difficult times that give us grist for the mill. those are the times that spur us to action.

well, things aren't all that difficult, but that doesn't mean that things aren't sticking in my craw. so get ready to be... crawed. i guess.

eww...