Austin: Redux

i went up to austin yesterday to drag home a van full of stuff from my apartment (brother will be taking it over and going to u.t. until the lease expires during the summer).

it was unpleasant.

i really hadn't thought at all about the psychological impact of going up there, but it was... something that should have been considered.

austin in general was all right. driving the streets, bumming around, etc, fine. whatever. going back to the apartment (not MY apartment, but THE apartment, notice the distancing language i use...) was so bizarre. all my clothes and books and crap, just waiting for me. the bedroom assaulting me with memories of entire days spent rolling in bed, doing nothing. reading, surfing the net, and being really, really lonely.

the whole place just felt like an unfinished set for a life that was supposed to happen, but didn't. there were supposed to be friends, and gatherings, and parties. there was supposed to be a workstation, and drafting and planning. there was supposed to be school meetings, social functions, a reason to have a queen-sized futon beyond the extra leg-room it gave me. there were supposed to be pleasant afternoons spent reading in my balcony gardens, and maybe little meals at the iron cafe table.

none of that happened.

school was unpleasant, so i quit (a very good decision, thank you very much) and then i couldn't find a job. for months. and months. i went to a lot of twelve step meetings, and bought dozens of books, and talked to a lot of strangers online, and holed up in my apartment like it was some sort of last refuge. i buried myself in my third floor one bedroom, and tried to hide from the world that waited at the bottom of the stairs.

and now, i'm hauling all my accumulated stuff back here. i work at starbucks, which i truly enjoy, my cat still seems to love me, and i'm enjoying being surrounded by my family. i'm glad to be out of the apartment. i'm glad to be out of austin.

but life takes some funny turns.

i've avoided picking up the pieces of my sojourn in austin for several months now. because i'm not ready or able to start addressing those two years of my life. i don't know where they fit. i don't know what they mean. i'm not sure what was accomplished.

but the decision to return home has finally been made. i'm moving on to a new stage of my life. the starbucks stage, apparently. but its no less valid than the architecture graduate school stage. i'm moving in a direction. i have no clue where it will take me, but i'm moving. and i'm closing the door on what came before, with all its goblins, and teeming hordes, and sleepless nights and wasted days. i'm moving forward to a place where i can sleep through the night, and feel productive during the day.

adieu austin. i would shed a tear, but i do not cry; and any tears i could muster, would not be for you.