Veering Predictably Towards Shitsville

sometimes i wonder if all things really do gravitate to a certain state of being. entropy and all that. no, i actually don't think i wonder that. i lied. but i think i'm speaking from the part of me that's smart. or at least, smart enough to know that cosmetic enhancement of one's life doesn't really do much to change the way you interact with the world in the long term.

having a job is starting to feel like a cosmetic enhancement. or maybe i'm just coming from a day off, having done nothing more than eat, sleep, jerk off, and otherwise waste time. oh, and get into a spat with my sister, but that didn't really last. still, not a happy day, and i'm sure that i'm anxious about going to austin tomorrow to start hauling all my stuff back down here to san antonio, since it seems i'll be staying for a while. austin is scary. i'd like to just forget i ever lived there.

i got into my first snafu at work on wednesday. i offended an old lady, and rectified it as best i could, but its odd to be in such a powerless position. and retail, is just FULL of such powerless positions. most of the time, i don't mind remaking a drink, or changing someone's order, or whatever. its my job. that's fine. and i want to do a good job. i have a ridiculous urge to please. but this exchange was different. i'm not sure why. i'm just not used to having people not respond well to me. which is basically me being blind to my own luck or whatever, and also me having ridiculous expectations as to how i should be received by the world at large.

but perhaps the most oddly comforting thing about the situation with this old woman, was that she was mean. she didn't have to be mean, but there's no reason for her not to be, and she was mean to me. and i really wanted to defend myself. i wanted to yell back at her. i wanted to tell her that she was being cruel and unfair. and i didn't, because i'm not ready to get fired yet. (oh that yet just says it all, doesn't it...) and i know this is all just part of a learning process for me. but i felt the need to take care of myself. and i wanted to defend myself. i felt like i was worth defending. and that, is actually a really wonderful thing for me.

and clearly, this episode is sticking in my craw. and i'm not fully sure why. because it was uncomfortable, surely. but also... i don't know what happened. it was like a hit and run accident. i was functioning on autopilot and don't remember exactly what i said, and if it made sense. i can't objectively say whether i was rude to this woman, though i'm sure i didn't mean to be. i didn't think she was a pushover because she was old. i wasn't trying to get away with anything. i wasn't trying to be mean. but i was trying to be lazy. i was trying to make my job easier by getting the rest of the line taken care of before grinding her beans, and saying that this is all about grinding beans makes it sound just as STUPID as it all really is...

and it might just be that i don't want to admit that i was in the wrong. which i was. i should have gotten her beans started (dear GOD, we're talking about BEANS!!!) and then helped the next person in line. i was trying to shirk.

and i don't think of myself as a shirker. i'm a hard worker. i love to work. but i was trying to shirk, and i got caught. and maybe that's why this is eating me up. because i don't want to be a shirker. i don't want to be lazy. but i am.

or rather, in this instance, i was. it doesn't mean i'm a full shirker, nor does it reflect on my personality or something. i don't know. i don't know i don't know i don't know.

but it doesn't feel good. it all feels dirty and messy and ragged around the edges, and i'm unwilling to let it go for some reason. probably the same masochism that tends to run my inner life.

also, B. was on floor as manager for the first part of wednesday. and i shouldn't talk about her, because that only gives her more power over me. but she is such a painful person to work with. i don't think she's ever smiled at me. she doesn't like me. she thinks i'm a shirker, and a lazy, and a time-waster and a day-dreamer. and i'll manage. it'll be fine. and i can't expect everyone to love me everywhere i go. and i KNOW that i tend to inspire extreme reactions in people. it's just so opposite day that she dislikes me so, when i feel like i act just the same to her that i do to everyone else, and they're all fine with me. but at any rate, i know i'm not the only one who dislikes B. and that's vaguely comforting, though it doesn't help me figure out how to deal with her.

i'm feeling sort of muddled here...

i just sort of feel like i desperately want some people on my side, even though i don't think my side is the right side.

i'm feeling confused, and i'm feeling tired, and i'm feeling like i ate crap all day and am going to wake up fat tomorrow as a result.

i should go to sleep. even if it doesn't help, at least i won't be awake and worrying about all of this... i'll be asleep and dreaming about it. much better. muuuch better.

old woman, i'm sorry if i was rude to you. i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or treat you badly. but i wish you'd expressed things in a different way. because now i'm angry at you, and i'm not supposed to be, and i know its not right. i don't like you, old woman. i think you're mean, and cruel. and you think i'm mean and cruel. and this is all just a horrible mistake that i know i could have avoided... we could be friends right now. i wish we were friends right now, instead of me doing something stupid and making you be mean to me. or something. i don't know, but this was all avoidable, and i'm sorry i let it happen.

i'm hoping that work feels like a comfortable place again when i go back on sunday...

fuck and shit. i'm not happy right now. and its all right to not be happy, but its also unpleasant.

like its been so long since the last time i was unhappy...

life just ain't never good enough for me, is it?