joni mitchell is my only friend

really though... there is nothing else. i want to plug the album "Blue" into my car and just drive away and out of my life, and never come back. i will burn all my things; i don't need them anyway. i will empty my closets into the street, toss on my books, all the things i've written, all the things i've drawn, all the things i feel, and all my memories, and just light it up.

i want to be fresh, and i want to be clean. i want to own nothing. i want to be free of thought and feeling. i want to simply exist. perhaps i'll drive to washington state. i hear its lovely there. i will learn to walk in the rain, and i will change the address on all my prescriptions. i'll live with people i don't know, and maybe i'll talk to them, and maybe i won't. maybe i won't even like them! i don't really care. i just need a room, and a blanket.

i want to recreate myself. i've done it before. i can do it again. i can break every tie, to everyone. its nothing personal guys... its just time to be someone else again. i love you all, and maybe some day we can meet up and have an awkward conversation that fails to address its own awkwardness.

its time to hit the old "Reset" button. i want to wipe my mind clean. no more issues, no more problems. newborn, with every wrinkle erased from my brain. i won't be me anymore? swell! lets do a real "nature versus nurture" experiment.

i'll never have to think about how i'm not skinny enough again.

i'll never have to wonder how my parents are influencing the new relationships i create. no parents!

i'll never have to think about the things that have hurt me again. no more pain! no more trail of behavior modifying decisions and interactions.

people get divorced all the time; i'm simply divorcing me from myself.

in fact, why keep the body. its broken. right now, i'm still thinking about how skinny i'm not. i'm thinking about my insulin belly that i've never gotten rid of. my pancreas doesn't work, and my left leg is deformed. my knees are weak. why keep it? discard it! put me in something new!

we'll do it all over again, only this time it will all be different.

its going to be better.

i'm not going to be obsessive. i'm not going to be paranoid and jealous, and i'm going to be open to love, and open to people, and i'm going to be strong. i'm going to be strong enough to let people say goodbye, and know that i'm all right. i'm going to be strong enough to tell people goodbye when i am tired of them.

i'm going to be normal. and i'm going to be healthy.

i'm going to dance, and watch the lights spin. i'm going to laugh a lot more, and i'm going to not worry so much. tomorrow will be grand, and if it isn't, i'll hop in the car and put in "Blue" and drive some more. i will follow the sun, from east to west to east across this world, finding things, learning things, meeting people, running in night time streets and swimming in rivers and fountains.

maybe its that i want to be superhuman... maybe i can learn to fly when my car breaks down. maybe i can learn to be beyond all these old things on the dusty ground. maybe i can rise up so high that none of those things can catch me, or hold me. i can simply rise up, and be free of it all.

i wanna be strong
i wanna laugh along
i wanna belong to the living
alive, alive
i wanna get up and jive
i wanna wreck my stockings
in some juke-box dive

maybe tonight. maybe tomorrow. i'll start with the clothes in the closet i'm looking at right now...