errant thoughts

joseph, i fucking hate you in some ways.

i am secluding myself away from the rest of the world, and it isn't a healthy decision.

it might be more of a problem to find someone who wants me the way i might want them than to find someone to obsess over. i'll obsess over a crack in the pavement. especially if it looks like boobs.

i decided a long time ago that i couldn't afford to be a healer to everyone. it would run me ragged and eventually destroy me, since of course i am much more attentive to other people than to myself... also, who am i to judge whether someone needs healing? if they're happy, then what gives me the right to rock the boat, unless they are infringing on my ability to manufacture my own happiness?

but i've drifted from all of that recently. my first instinct in the face of someone else's unbearable pain is to try and help them bear it. which i think is empathetic, and noble, and kind. but my ability to help anyone is limited. and yet, i've had others share their pain with me recently, and all i can think about is "why didn't you tell me!?" completely selfish and narcissistic.

joseph, i'm sorry i can't get past my own selfishness and longing.

my god i feel so crappy right now. not crappy... just... i am full, very full, of very big feelings. and i can't really escape them, which is sort of the point; feeling aren't meant to be escaped. so i'm sitting with them. and writing in this blog twice daily.

awesome.