FEEL

i wanna feel alive,
wanna get up and jive,
wanna rip my stockings
in some juke-box dive!

so i'm sober. and so i have these things called "feelings" now.

drinking them away... was really not a feasible or long-term solution. so i don't.

not that i don't REALLY want to sometimes.

so the center of my fantasy collapsed this past week. ironically enough, the implosion was triggered by my friend's thesis, which is a work of fiction which itself features the implosion of the main character's emotional world. it also features a fair amount of autobiographical detail, portrayed so effectively as to make it feel like your flesh is being rent from your body. its overwhelming sadness rocked me. and i am left feeling my friend is a stranger.

i am left feeling shut out, locked out of his inner life. i am left alone, unable to help him, unable to contact him. and he has made it quite clear that he is not an open person, and has no desire to become terribly more open, or engage in the kind of dialogues about emotions that are the glue of my close relationships. i am currently wondering what it is, exactly, that i offer him that makes me worth keeping around. i mean, i genuinely care about him, and though i currently don't like him too much, i love him. but i am mercurial, volatile, emotionally driven, and a general pain in the ass.

the other time i asked a friend what he gained from my company, i turned the resulting conversation into a fight, and used the fight as an excuse to not talk to him anymore.

but i have the overwhelming need to stir the pot. i can't let it alone. actually, i removed myself from the situation by choosing to overnight at the hartford airport rather than tag along with him anymore. i think its an unfortunately good decision.

i also got to spend some time with some of his other friends, as well as his ex. and while they are all nice and pleasant people, i don't know that they and i have much in common. and his ex (who slept in his bed with him after i was relegated to the couch) is a rail thin young punk and much more stereotypically manly than me, as far as seeming sensitivity and emotional range. so again, why keep me around when i am so much trouble?

and the realization that, even if joseph told me about his trauma earlier, even if i knew and tried to help him, even if he was more open, and i was more willing to meet him halfway, even if all of these things were the case, i have never been what he wanted. i have never held anything that he desired or coveted. i am not what he is attracted to physically. i am not who is attracted to emotionally. i am not what he wants. and i never have been.

my whole ridiculous fantasy, is itself built upon the fantasy that i was ever a blip on his horizon. i wasn't. not ever.

and my rational and healthy response to this? part of me wants to love him until he physically craves me so i can then deny him. which will not work, because he isn't attracted to me, and i probably still wouldn't deny him, and because i really will not do that. i just... i want him to be denied. and he has already been denied by life, in ways more painful than i could ever hope to be. but i mean... we all wanna spread the hurt sometimes.

i'm actually glad to be feeling angry right now, since its a pleasant change from feeling sad.

but so i'm just mired in these feelings right now. i don't know how to deal with it other than just move through them as they come.

but i'm not super happy right now.