June

june is busting out all over.

its summer.

its fucking hot here, and i like that i work inside. i also really like air-conditioning, which is SO ungreen, so not earth friendly. but my god, i love air-conditioning sooo much...

i've slept a bit since my last post. sister has a friend here, so the rampant cleaning has stopped. and so i can spend my down time sleeping. a lot. which feels awesome. i'll like, fall asleep, with the light on, with all my clothes on, with the computer on. i'll fall so dead asleep, so fast, i took a nap today and woke up, and was afraid i'd slept until tomorrow.

for the love of god, all i want to do, is sleep.

because i'm tired, and i'm depressed.

i haven't figured out what to do about the brother situation. and it festers. i'm angry inside, and sad. and i'm never sure what to say, and when. because despite my grievances, i have to present my case completely right, or he'll ignore it all. the onus falls on me to make it all work. he's the jury, and i'm the lawyer. i present, and he judges me on my presentation. awesome. healthy.

i'm angry with my job. and my new store manager.

i'm angry that all i want to do is bitch.

i met an internet friend in real life. it was disappointing. his pictures were slightly misleading, and he's a downer. he's monotone. he says the same things he types, but its like he's rotely reading lines. there's no performativity, no theater, no emotion. he's a flatline. and he was right; his chin is weak. i feel bad for even noticing it. but i did. he said he's not that cute, that his chin's weak, etc. i told him he looks fine, and that he was being paranoid. well, he was right. he needs more chin. and more personality. he's intelligent, he's sort of funny, even. but he's boring. and he's so awkward, he makes me look at ease. it makes me sad.

it makes me sad, and it makes me feel shallow, and mean, and petty, and like an overall bad person. its all so ridiculous. i don't want to meet people online anymore. no one is who they seem. i'm probably not who i seem either. i'd stick to real life, except that i don't like men. the men i do like, end up being married with three children. they don't need me hanging around. its all a mess.

i'm a mess.

i'm tired.

i'm going to bed.