I Don't Like You

what, like, you don't like me in that way? what do you mean you don't like me?

no, M., i don't like you at all!!!

i have made a decision. and i'm pleased with my decision. it feels right. it feels, true. i have decided, that i really just don't like my co-worker M. don't like her. i do not, like her.

that feels good.

i sometimes can't tell if i like someone or not, so its always nice when i can resolve one of those ambiguous situations. and i'd rather decide that i like someone, i just have issues x, y, and z with them, but not liking them is just fine as well. hating them, a little extreme, but also fair. what? i'm a hater. i hate. don't judge.

today's issue with M. brought things nicely into focus. sure, she's done a fair amount of stuff that makes me think she's self-centered and opportunistic, but whatever. she's also said a couple things that make me think she's sort of bigoted, or at least has some questionable beliefs and/or assumptions about things of an ethnic/racial/religious nature. whatever. its texas. if i started making a list now, i'd die before finishing it.

today, we had a brief chat about relationships. and M. jokingly(?) mentioned that she's been married eighteen years, and at this point, she and her husband have just decided to "stick it out".

i responded by saying that that probably would not really ever happen to me, because i like dumping people too much. this got a few odd looks, so i clarified. i said, "hey. its not like i just break up with people for no reason. but if i'm in a relationship, and things aren't working out, and the other person isn't interested in working on fixing it, or addressing the issue, then *BAM* YOU'RE OUTTA THERE!!!" and yes, i take a certain pleasure in breaking up with people. its like pruning an unruly shrub. you take out the crap you don't like. you simplify your life. and i am all, for jettisoning dead weight (i.e. unresponsive boyfriends) in the interest of simplifying my life.

M. was still not sure about this. she seems to have chalked it up, at least today and at that moment, to some sort of rampant superiority complex she thinks i have. she said that she thinks i just have no hope for a successful romantic relationship; she thinks i don't believe it can happen, and so it never will.

so i tried to deny this, and told her about my rule.

have i mentioned my rule?

i said, "you know how amusement parks have signs that say *i mime a hand at chest level* 'you must be this tall to ride'? well, i have a similar rule that says *hand at nipple level again* 'you must be this awesome to date.' i expect someone i'm going to date (i.e., spend a lot of time and energy on, in the hope of getting the opportunity to spend even MORE time and energy on them, long term, till we're old or dead) i expect someone i get involved with to be at least as awesome as me."

M. looks at me like i'm nuts, or just pure evil. one or the other. so rather than toss the shovel aside, i do what any good moron does and keep digging.

i explain that i want someone who's an ivy-league caliber intellect, who's handsome, who's devestatingly funny, etc.

she asks where i went to school. did i go to an ivy league? no, i went to wesleyan. its better than an ivy league, because we only put sticks up our asses in order to stimulate the prostate and/or g-spot. i didn't say that last part. M. admits that wesleyan is a good school. yes. i know.

so she retreats to the safe-ish position of "your standards are too high." if i demand someone who is as great as i think i am (because i have a superiority complex) then i'm just never going to find someone. i'm being "unrealistic."

bitch, i'm that intelligent, i'm that handsome, i'm that funny, i'm that kind, i'm that sensitive to other's, i'm that willing to give my all in a relationship, OBVIOUSLY such people exist. why should i settle for less? do i not deserve someone who brings as much to the table as me? i'm sorry, but if i think i'm the shit, its only because, in some ways, i am. fuck, i'll even admit i'm wrong (MOST of the time) if i'm wrong.

i say some of the above to M., or at least, the part about me being as awesome as me, so obviously it can happen. she stands firm, and asks why i have to have someone who is those things.

on reflection, i should have responded, "because i'm a little person, with a short attention span. i get bored easily with people. i'm not interested in a relationship for the paltry reason of not wanting to be alone. if i'm signing away an undetermined amount of my independence, it better be to someone who's worth it. it better be to someone who is smart, and compassionate, and can keep my attention. i'm not willing to go through the hassle that is a relationship just so that i can wake up one day and realize that i've settled for less than i want and need, and instigate divorce proceedings."

i think what i actually did, was just let the conversation drop. but a few minutes later, the thought sprang to my head, "wow, M. is a really mediocre person." and i laughed, out loud, a lot. because its such a horrible thing to think, but its just so true... i may be demanding and cruel, and call myself a tiny person, but M. is in truth, a tiny person, if she's willing to take anything less than what she truly wants in the name of being open-minded and realistic.

but mostly, M. is just a person who i don't really like. i don't hate her. but i definitely don't like her.

and i am totally cool with that.