wtf

i can't sleep, so i suppose i could like, write some stuff here... what i should be writing is something creative that might be publishable. but i don't think i'm doing that right now.

pretty sure i'm not.

i had a job interview this last wednesday. it was a chance to relearn how to set phasers on "charm." it was sort of a clusterfuck of an interview. one guy (whose shirt, oddly enough, was inside-out. i mentioned this on the way out.) came to get me and lead me through the maze of cubicles to the "interview room," which contained an additional two people. WHOOP! WHOOP! i'm truly impressed i didn't sweat like a thing that is really prone to sweating. and i am a thing that's really prone to sweating; an unfortunate side effect of using herbal hippie deoderant. but no aluminum, so less chance of alzheimers. woohoo!

and for god's sake, its HIPPIES, not HIPPYS, you idiots! you know who you are. correct yourselves immediately and beg for forgiveness.

so i made inside-out man and his cohorts laugh, and i think i gave thoughtful and intelligent answers to the questions they asked. i have no intention of actually taking the job, should they offer it to me. it entails using high-volume scanners in a windowless room for eight hours a day. in my spare time, i act as a courier to various banks and financial institutions. they had to drag out the "how do you do with repetetive tasks?" question. i actually do all right with them, but this job sounds like a migraine. i think i'll skip. but at least i got to make some well-meaning strangers laugh a bit; one of the many services i provide.

i also pet kitties until they purr.

i'm not sure how to broach a few other subjects right now, but i'll have to eventually. i have to insurance for therapy, so this is my only outlet. i'm just so paranoid about old acquaintances finding/stalking me. again. its happened, and its scary, and you might ask why, if i'm afraid of being identified and found, i have a picture of myself up in my profile.

good question!

secrecy and anonymity really don't come naturally to me. i feel the need to desperately throw myself at the world in order to elicit the positive critical and personal response i crave so very much. at the same time, i value my privacy more than i could possibly put in words. i'll reveal, if i think its safe or in my interest, but only on my terms, and if you drag me out of myself, i'll resent you forever, and harbor interesting revenge fantasies. what i think deserves privacy and what i think is fair game depend on my own skewed and unique rules. so you might not understand, but you don't have to.

the point, or rather the goal, is to retain my sense of safety and comfort.

and anyway, i can hopefully figure out how to properly deal with anyone who, unfortunately, figures it out. i'm apparently a "grown-up," or some shit. i can "engineer solutions" and "synergystically think outside the box." and i guess i can also buy a gun and figure out how to use it with a fair degree of accuracy. i spent my childhood playing videogames and typing in chat boxes. its like i've been practicing for fire-arms my whole life. and i'm no slouch when it comes to stalking myself. (go ahead and ask any of the many people with restraining orders against me. i promise, they'll agree my techniques are "well honed" and "effective," if memory serves...)

i wish i were that cool. you know, cool enough to track people down and commit murder... cuz that's like, the measurement of cool, right? the chicks dig it, eh? its so too early for a virginia tech joke, so i'm glad i don't have one. suffice it to say, i do not own guns, never want to own guns, and would probably shy away from committing murder. mostly, i'm... i'm like a marshmallow rather than a knife. and it makes me very sad.

i'm going to go to sleep now, but i would like to make a final observation: the pleasure of listening to a band called "Girlyman" is squared when that band is really quite good. the name alone could be enough, but they also kick ass. so check them out.