Habit, or Rut?

at the risk of establishing a pattern, i am posting after another job interview. i am at the same cafe as i was for the first post. i am almost in the exact same seat. of course, my lovely computer Grindel is providing my e-awesome. and i am over-caffeinated (duh).

its moving towards rush hour in austin. i should leave in not too long, but i wanted to what, deify? no, record! i wanted to record the day's events while i'm still inert.

i wore nice clothes. this means i wore closed toed, non-sneaker shoes. with dress socks. i wore a nice button down shirt, and i even wore a jacket. but don't worry, in keeping with the idea of truth in advertising, i didn't tuck the shirt in. yes, it was visible below my jacket. and it was open at the neck, exposing a hint of my groovy, manly chest hair. or something. god forbid people think i'm a complete and utter priss or something. i like to look a little rough around the edges.

besides, its fun to misuse an oscar de la renta sport coat. try it sometime. you'll feel like a fashion model, or something.

the woman who interviewed me, olga, was super nice. she was a sweetheart. she's in charge of the physics department's office, and has twenty-seven people applying for a position as an assistant in the office. i am one of those people, and i'm really freaked out. because i'd really like this job. olga tries to keep a happy, well-adjusted office going, with nice people, a friendly demeanor, and hella productivity. she's nice, smart, reasonable, and i so, SO want this job. and i now am frightened (thanks to my mother) that my untucked shirt will make her not consider me. and thanks to me, i'm frightened that my own (percieved as) idiotic answers to her questions will make her not consider me.

i'm afraid i looked and sounded desperate.

i'm afraid i came across as a floundering, underachieving young adult.

i'm afraid i didn't point out my strengths.

i'm afraid i flagrantly displayed my weaknesses.

i'm afraid i boned it.

sigh... i probably didn't do any of those things. and i did elicit a few laughs, so i think i appeared charming and intelligent. if i appeared well-suited to the job, word. we'll just have to see. but its nice to know that there are work environments out there that i would like to be a part of.

i need to send her a thank you letter. i'm not sure that should be done by snail mail, or by e-mail. i'll ask people who know tonight. in the meantime, i'll blog about my oh so interesting life, and debate another cup of coffee. (i should stop. for serious.)

in other news, the little hipster-mo running the cafe is playing an eighties station on the sound system. irritating... its so fun to stereotype my own people... it makes me feel like a good person.

OH! you know what's really fun! watching children in public and deciding which of them are going to grow up to be gay. that shit is fun! just like, don't tell their parents. "hey, lady, i just wanted to warn you that there's an eighty percent chance that your son is gonna be a fag. just wanted to let you know." sigh... i'm having an issue with austin. pull up a chair. i'd like to tell you about it.

i feel as though austin is one of those places that puts a lot of value on image. i mean, people are inherently shallow, but there are certain places where image just truly trumps all else. you can't just be a guitar player, for example. you have to dress the part, have the tatts and piercings, the shaggy hair and the air of slight disinterest. this is a good example, because austin's image comes in part from the huge music scene, and the fledgling film industry, i'm sure. there are hippies so crunchy you would chip a tooth on them. there are indie kids in jeans ghandi couldn't squeeze himself into. there are rockers, mcs, hangers on, and all manner of college prep.

what does this mean to me, on a personal level?

it makes me feel like i'm perpetually underdressed. and it makes me feel lost. and one level up from there, it makes me pissed off that i'm so affected by physical appearances.

i don't tend to care too much what i wear. or at least, that used to be the case. but somewhere along the line, it became an issue. i've always like quality clothing, and i do know how to dress, but most of the time, i try to project the image (note the hypocrisy inherent in the blogger...) that i really don't care how i look. i shop by the care directions. if something needs dry-cleaning or ironing, its going back on the rack. but in austin, my crummy wardrobe is starting to bug me. its making me feel like there's a perpetual party going on that i refuse to take part in. and all i'd have to do is try and say SOMETHING with my style and dress. something other than, "blow me."

hence the lost feeling. i feel like my public persona has been negated. and so i feel invisible. and granted, i feel invisible in life right now, so this is just an exacerbation of a pre-existing condition. but its still real. i just don't feel cool enough for austin. i feel like unless i drastically change the way i present myself, the town will never acknowledge me. and the worst part is, that i actually care about this crap. i'm being adversely effected by this social crap. and that, is so so so so sad to me... because i really don't want to care. and now i do.

note, that this is all a part of my current struggle to find direction and meaning in my life. if i felt like i had something more meaningful going for me than how i look, i would find it much easier to wear my clothing and be all right. but i'm lost and aimless, and so i keep feeling on the outs.

blah blah blah lonely. grrr... i know my feelings are valid, and i suppose there's nothing wrong with posting them onlline, but it does make me feel like every other blogger that ever existed. my situation is temporary, and i'll be fine. such hassles are common to everyone, or so i believe.

there's an underlying struggle going on here. several, really. i think they're all on display in every one of my entries so far. theoretically, they are what help my blog be "interesting" and "worth reading."

the jury is out on that one, but i always get pissed off when i start evaluating what i'm writing. too many levels spoil the simile.

and i'm going to start my drive home so i can go to the gym and sweat the day out of me.