Those "Good Old Times," Are Unfortunately, Still Happening

unprecedented, i know. a second entry in the same day. i'd love to say that i'm only killing time until midnight, so i can check tomorrow's horoscopes, but i'd be lying. i actually have a few things on my mind.

mostly, i'm irritated. i'm pissed off, as a matter of fact. in and of itself, that's not a big deal, but i still feel the need to post about it here so i can always remember? i don't know. i just want to try and get it out of my system. again.

i had plans with Father to attend a movie tomorrow morning. Superbad. i'm sure you've heard of it. supposed to be hilarious. i'm down, like James Brown. cool. let's go to a movie.

issue: i suddenly realize that i go to yoga saturday mornings, and i'm really serious about my yoga. its sort of my method for keeping in touch with the spiritual side of life. dippy hippie, all the way through, but its the truth. i'm also very intent upon trimming myself down to a more pleasant weight. not that i was all that big to begin with, but things needed to change. in addition, i'm much, much, much happier when i'm exercising regularly, and since i love cardio but refuse to lift weights, yoga becomes an important facet of my fitness regimen. and really, yo... its like, helping me get in touch with feelings and shit. and i HAD FORGOTTEN I HAD THOSE for a while. so its painful, but good things, really good things, are coming from it.

dad knows all this.

so i called him tonight to see if we could move the movie to an early afternoon showing so i could get to my yoga class and shower prior to the movie. and he totally pulled the passive-aggressive snarky voice, and said the morning showing was cheaper (y'know, cuz he's like, hurting for money or some shit... ass...), and basically made it clear that no, he would rather do the morning showing, for no reason other than that's how he wants to do it, and if i insist on going to a later showing, experience has proven that he will be irritated and irritable about it, and why go to the movie at all if he's going to be in a funk, right?

so i'm skipping yoga tomorrow morning. i don't want to, but i'm doing it. because at this point in my life, i'm tired of having these "conversations" with my father. because i'm tired of him refusing to see my side of the issue, and refusing to think that my argument has merit. i'm tired of him trying to make me feel like i'm some heinous beast drunk on entitlement for asking him to compromise a bit and let me go to yoga before the movie. because its really not like he has a packed schedule tomorrow. his wife is out of town, like many people, he takes saturdays off from work, and i think his only concrete plan was to see a movie with me. he's simply unwilling to do it any way that deviates from how he wants to do it. because my dad, is a big fat jerk. or an infantile adult. or i guess we could simplify and just say that my dad, is a prick.

and it irritates me. because i'm not being unreasonable. and if someone asked me to bend my schedule so they could do something important to them, i would say yes. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO! you work with people to find solutions. and it irritates me because this is how its always been with dad. and i'm sick of it. i'm so sick of it i'm actually toying with the idea of bringing it up with him at some point soon.

which brings me to the next wrinkle in it all. i'll bring it up, and ninety-eight percent chance, he'll say, "well you should have said something about it instead of being a weakling about it and caving," or something of the sort. except if i say something, we get cranky pants dad. so its a wonderful catch 22, and i'm fucked coming and going. and i'm really not willing to keep having this fight, which is always the same, and which i'll never win, because... just because. because my dad is the way he is.

but still. i'm not willing to let this go very easily at the moment. this one's sticking. i'm usually willing to indulge dad. i usually don't really care. so long as he's not asking something COMPLETELY ridiculous, i'll work with him. its just not that important to me when things happen, or how they happen, so long as they happen, and people are happy, and we all have a good time. that's what makes me happy. but i'm miserable, unemployed, and relying on the sketchy routine of daily exercise to keep me from burrowing into my bed and not coming out for weeks at a time. and he'd rather deny me something that important, a yoga class i paid for, with money that i don't have because i'm unemployed, than compromise his plan for what he wants to do with his day.

that's what it comes down to.

that's why my dad, fun and funny though he can be, is a fundamentally unreasonable person.

and that, is why i'm fucking pissed off.

on a separate note, annie lennox is the most amazing woman ever, her new song "dark road" is beautiful, and so is the video. look it up on youtube. and be in awe of the lennox.

she was born on christmas day, you know. capricorn. makes a strange bit of sense, i think.

but yes. i hate my father right now. and i want to be able to be a healthy and proactive person about this, and talk to him about it, but remember all of the above. and instead, i'll be a passive aggressive dick tomorrow, just like he would be if i'd insisted on going to yoga. because i'm his son, and sometimes, we function in the same way.

and you can bet, if i'm cranky, he'll want to talk about it. he just won't hear how its largely his fault.

and i'll be pissed that its partly mine.