Stupid Things

i want the freedom to do stupid things.

i want the ability to do really idiotic, crazy, unconscionable things.

i'm not talking about mean things, like punting babies or anything like that. i'm just talking about the dumb shit that so many people do, so much of the time, that we just take it for granted, or think of it as normal. i want to do that shit.

what's holding me back from my mindbendingly great stupid potential, you ask? me. i currently won't even let myself buy a cd because i'm unemployed, and feel the need to pinch pennies. actually, mostly because i feel that since i'm doing so little with my life, i don't DESERVE to have things like cds, or new clothes, or any of the random little things that one normally buys (or normal ones buy) without even thinking about it.

DESERVE.

i used to say, that one DESERVED whatever one had the courage to DESIRE.

admittedly, that little mantra might not be appropriate for everyone. paris hilton deserves nothing but a swift kick in the rear, regardless of all the things she might desire.

my mantra isn't about money, or power, or baubles, or any of that bullshit. its about fighting fear. its about combating low self esteem. its about learning that if you don't have the courage to want, to desire, to say, "this is something that i can have, and there is no reason on earth why i shouldn't have it," then you will never begin to strive for that thing, and it will fall by the wayside, and get lost, and become another sigh, another regret that haunts you. it will be picked up by someone else, or perhaps it will languish and fade away. but you won't have it, and you'll never try, and you will have yet another reason to find shelter in resignation.

well, i'm thinking its time i start having the courage to desire things again. because i've forgotten that i deserve certain things just as much as anyone else in this world. and if i have to flex my stupid muscles in the pursuit of those things, well then get ready, because you are about to see the smartest use of applied stupidity ever. EVER.

obviously, i'm edging dangerously close to being in love with someone. well, if you understood how my warped little walnut of a mind works, it would be obvious to you. its only obvious to me because i've had so much practice... you see, when the stone starts having... feelings... for someone... the stone's first reaction is usually vitriolic anger that he is being put in a position of vulnerability; that he might be (probably will be) hurt and feel pain.

and yes, i'm referring to myself as the stone. fuck you.

but after the anger, comes crippling need. because i have a secret that i try to keep very well hidden. in fact, i try to forget i'm even keeping a secret at all. i try to give myself selective amnesia. i just push it down so deep, and cover it with (questionable) wit, and cynicism, and bitterness and RESIGNATION, that i forget its there entirely. the secret being, that i am so desperate to give and recieve love that its like a constant dull ache once i start thinking about it. my core feels that regardless of job, career, interviews on npr, books written, etc, if i cannot find a way to share in the giving and recieving of love, i am a failure.

to cut a long thing into a short thing, i'm thinking that i need to wrest the controls away from the autopilot and start making decisions for myself. bad decisions. silly decisions. anything to follow my current crush down the rabbit hole and get out of this miserable wreck of a world i'm currently inhabiting.

its very late at night and i'm not typing well.

anyway, the other thing i want to hit on right now, is resignation.

i've decided, tonight, in fact, that i hate resignation. i hate having to resign myself to things. because resignation is like capitulation. its acknowledging that things are not optimal, but there is little we can do to change them, and so, in effect, we give up. we stop trying. we "make peace."

now i'm well aware that there are things beyond my control. i've had insulin dependent diabetes for over nine years now. if one needs any evidence of there being things beyond their ability to control of influence, they should try getting an incurable (though easy enough to manage) disease. anyway, this is a situation i do have to make peace with, because fighting it will sap my energy and get me nowhere except possibly an early grave. not an ideal end result.

but i'm tired of having to say things like "c'est la vie," or "such is life," or, "its unfortunate, but i'll be all right." all those little things we say when we try to turn a big deal into a small deal. all those things we say when we decide to stop fighting for what we really want. all those little soothing lozenges that are meant to mask the sour taste left in our mouths. i'm tired of saying them.

i feel like life really calls upon us to resign ourselves to too much. and i'm fucking tired of it. i'm tired of being mature about it. i'm tired of being wise. i'm tired of being tired of fighting. i'm sick and tired of letting melancholy give ass-lancingly irritating situations a tragic shimmer that obscures the fact that i've stopped fighting for what i really want.

i want the world,
i want the whole world.
i want to lock it
all up in my pocket
its my bar of chocolate
so give it to me!
now...

i think i need to work harder at being a bratty little child who is not at all shy about demanding things be my way. this is completely unrealistic. all of it. and it will end in tears. but i think some calculated immaturity and selfishness right now might be a helpful thing.

because i'm tired of doing the right thing. i'm tired of compromise and negotiation. i'm tired of sensibility and careful planning. i'm done with the greater good. i'm finished with pragmatism and realism. i'm just fucking done.

fuck resignation.

fuck reality.

fuck. it. all.

i think i might feel slightly better after all that...