aaand here we go:

so i'm back. things have been... eventful.

i don't think i really have the time to discuss it all, but there are a few things i would like to get out there.

i haven't spoken to joseph since reunion. i just... i don't know what to say, and don't trust myself to say it in any manner that is fair or makes sense. i know that in part, i have to apologize for putting my own desires for our relationship ahead of what is actually good for him. and not in the sense of wanting a romance when there is just not one in the offing, but in looking more for my own satisfaction and ego-reenforcement in any of our interactions. for making my own demands for comfort and intimacy paramount, and ignoring his own need for space and distance. so i fucked up there. i didn't fuck up, persee, but i didn't think, and i acted selfishly, and joseph, my dear, i'm sorry for that. you deserve more from me. i'm sorry i didn't deliver.

aside from the above, i am upset. mostly, because i thought you were strong enough to deal with me, and to not quail in the face of my emotions. but looking over recent events, maybe you were just being smart. maybe you understood my voraciousness more than i did. maybe you saw how completely i want to dissolve boundaries, and forge connections that you have no desire to engage in, and be responsible for. i am ravenous, and out of control. and i can understand your misgivings about doing anything that might encourage me.

and so fast forward to the present.

i am about to have a conversation with someone i've met. its all online so far. but that same emotional overload; that same lightning storm has caused a rift. and i'm afraid. i'm terribly afraid that i've shot myself in the foot, while keeping my foot firmly pressed to the poor man's chest. my hunting for inner secrets, my certainty that everyone has a dark side, my obsession with knowing all there is to know, and more, my passion for understanding... all of these have led me to endanger something that could be really wonderful. because this one, this man, doesn't seem afraid of feelings, or emotional connection, or physical connection, or romance, or any of the things that seem to be my undoing.

and i'm afraid to talk to him. i'm afraid that i'm trying to extend this fantasy even now, by writing to you, rather than taking a deep breath and plunging into the conversation at hand... the fact that he still wants to talk to me is not without its own kernel of hope.

and now he's messaged me.

i don't know what luck would look like in this situation, but i hope for it all the same.