and then i had something to say

i'm lonely.

i'll explain.

recently, and for the last several months, i haven't felt like blogging. i have no news, no things or goings-on to report. my life is dull, and it remains so. i go to work, i sleep to forget how much i hate my job, i fail to see friends, or instigate involving new adventures.

i am a mass of living tissues, but i don't feel very alive.

there has also been a great deal of stress for me regarding the recently decided presidential election. a GREAT, DEAL. i cannot really tell you how important this election was to me, on a personal level, as well as to everyone in our nation. the last few months of campaigning, were KILLING ME.

some people talk about politics being their sport. some people are policy wonks, who float theories and crunch numbers. politics, i think, at least in our democracy (maybe any democracy) are the last realm in which the populace truly debates and grapples with shared mores, values, and ethics. our republic gives us a unique forum in which to debate that which we hold most dear; we have a biannual discussion about who lives, who dies, under what circumstances, who is granted opportunity, who is granted privilege, whether we want to even that playing field, whether we tilt it further, what methods we use to alter this societal terrain.

generally speaking, i'm a socialist. yes, just like mccain was accusing obama of being... only i really am. i believe, personally, that at this point in history, a government such as ours, in a country such as ours, with such discrepancies between rich and poor (which intersect with race and gender, naturally) even though so much money is there and available... look, i think people have inalienable rights. they have a right to good and affordable healthcare. they have a right to jobs that pay a living wage. they have a right to not end up destitute on the street if they hit a rough patch.

we are the richest nation in history. IN, HISTORY. and we are unable to feed our own children. we are unable to clothe our own nakedness. maybe not unable, but unwilling; we don't know how. as to why, well, folks, we are all in this fucking thing together. and i don't even mean from sea to shining sea. i mean from coast to coast to ocean to coast to mountains to plains to coast again. this is it kids. the only exit from this ride is death, singular or plural. and i don't have a magic heaven to escape to. or a hell, more likely, judging by current religious teachings...

what kind of an animal would invent such a concept as hell, just to drive themselves nuts their entire lives? sigh...

anyway, even if i did believe in something beyond, which i might, it doesn't really matter. this, this life right now, the blood in your veins RIGHT NOW. the skin on your body RIGHT NOW. THIS IS IT.

so lets see. right. these rights i think we all have. at this point, we have two major options. we can rely on the free market to provide us with these things, or we can rely on the government. the problem with the free market, is that its run by people who have a desire and a responsibility (to the company, to its shareholders, etc.) to make as much money as possible. without regulation, you get what we have now; a financial meltdown, leading to a recession. and my its been a fun ride, hasn't it...

the other option, also unattractive, is to rely on our government, nominally of the people, by the people, and for the people, to provide these things for us. government is a whole network of conduits of power. power attracts odd people, and lampreys, and generally, is a corrupting influence. we know this. do i want the government all up in my business? not particularly. is it a moot point? are there satellites that can read your address from orbit (is it likely that's all they can do? would the public get to know the full capability of the global satellite network?)? are files kept of all our online doings? who does their banking and bill-paying online? i sure as hell do. who looks at porn? ooh... guilty again... forget it baby. government knows. its just likely that they don't care.

but here's the rub... the free market is made up of for-profit companies. no help there, unless you're already rich and want to invest. the government, intrusive as it can be, is ENGINEERED to protect and serve the people. and in this rich-beyond-belief nation of ours, is there an excuse for anyone to starve? is there a reason for anyone to go naked?

now, make no mistake, i am not advocating marxist "give it all to the state, let the state dole it out" bull-shit. i believe in free enterprise. i believe in hard work and virtue being pathways to greater compensation and a recognition of the specialties one brings to the table. all people are NOT created equal. i'm sorry, but the Declaration of Independence lies. and i love that document like i love few others. we are not all created equal, but that does not mean that there is not some base level of humane life that we are all entitled to.

more to the point; who are we, you and i, anyone, to judge what others deserve? are you prosecution judge and jury? am i? should our gossiping, petty selves be allowed to delegate resources? to decide who lives, who dies?

i simply happen to believe that those inalienable rights the founders spoke of, can no longer be defined so narrowly as life, liberty, and property. or rather, those three ideas have become much more complex. what quality of life? debilitating disease is no longer so debilitating. h.i.v.? how long has magic johnson had those three magic letters? diabetes? dead in a matter of years in the seventeen hundreds. how old is b.b. king now? how old will i grow to be?

who gets to decide?

what about liberty. the government may know which hand you use to whack off, but as long as they don't tell anyone, who cares? you'll get drunk and tell someone yourself anyway. public and private... but that's another debate.

this is all preface, to why the last eight years, of bush, of bush-co., of cheney, of government FOR THE FREE MARKET, of unnecessary war, of preventable terrorist attacks, of the erosion of our civil liberties, of the vindictive use of the private for political gain (can someone say valerie plame?), of the squandering of american lives, of the squandering of the world's goodwill, the politicization of one governmental agency after another, karl rove, withholding aid to health clinics worldwide unless they hewed to abstinence-only education, bad supreme court justices, the nickel-and-diming of our elderly through bad medicare and medicaid policies, the bills written by and for pharmaceutical companies, the axing of childcare and educational programs, the corruption, the firing of public servants who held to their own morals, the gaming of elections...

THE LIST GOES FUCKING ON!

the last eight years have been a HELL! a hell for you, and a hell for me, and if you don't think they were hell, wait until you see just how long, how involved, how painful and how expensive the clean-up will be. wait until you see your children fighting against a world that has been stacked against them. go abroad (if you can afford it! HA!) and see just how much the world at large "loves americans"... hint: THEY DON'T!

and fuck anyone who gives me that "we will not be held to an international litmus test!" bullshit! ninety-nine percent of the people i know think i'm genuine, generous, smart, kind, handsome, and one of the most exciting people they've ever met. i still refuse to agree, but i'm willing to admit that they might be on to something if the only person with a dissenting view is ME! i have issues, and i know it. but are they all lying to me in some vast conspiracy to inflate my sense of self-worth? doubtful.

particularly as a gay, jewish, liberal, populist, socialist trainwreck, who for all his hatred of people, all his profound sorrow at our failings and shortcomings, believes, KNOWS, deep inside, that we are capable of greatness, and of honor, of acts of compassion and selflessness. we are fragile, and we are weak, and in that very weakness, lies the opportunity for our greatest strength. we stand up to oppression. we stand up to injustice. we stand up against tyranny. we stand together against impossible odds. we stand together, to create strength. and fuck you for making me be all soppy and weepy. this shit is a secret. if anyone asks, someone else wrote this.

the last eight years, have been a nightmare. a NIGHTMARE. playing to the lowest drives in all of us. tweaking our fear like a guitar string. making us afraid of each other, of the world beyond our borders...

after long and careful deliberation, i decided to throw my support behind obama?

fuck. there is never a good reason to vote republican. NEVER. mccain was a disaster; senile, jerky, suffering from PTSD (possibly untreated), ensconced in a life of privilege he was born into, a napoleon complex, a serial adulterer, aged, a two-time cancer survivor, responsible in part for the LAST financial melt-down (look up Keating Five). and palin! oh god... the fact that he chose her was despicable enough. but she is... terrifying.

and obama.

i originally supported hillary clinton. i did. but i knew whoever won the primary, i would be voting for. and obama won. and he vaulted into the general election. the man can speak, like no other. he speaks in a language that is unifying, that is powerful, that insists that we are bonded, that we are the People, and that the People, United, Can Never Be Defeated! he handed out sensible, reasonable policy proposal after sensible, reasonable policy proposal. he convinced me, that he actually, truly, cares about people. not some faceless nameless mob, but you and me, regular people, who are watching our money evaporate, and who are watching our planet die.

and apparently i'm not the only one who supported obama. because he won in a landslide. and i heard it first from my wonderful friend jon stewart, who turned to stephen colbert and the camera and announced, "barack obama, our forty-fourth president!"

then i flipped to cnn to make sure, and they were showing grant park in chicago. and they were showing election tallies. and i started crying. i just started crying. and i didn't wipe away the tears; i never wanted those tears to go away. i wanted them forever, to be a permanent reminder of that moment. i cried. i cried in joy, in sheer exhaustion. i cried as people in grant park cried. i cried as obama gave his speech. i cried because i had been wandering in the diaspora for so long, cut off from those who were supposed to be my people, abandoned by a government that would not concern itself with me. every time i think about it, i almost cry again. sometimes i still do.

because our government belongs to us again.

because i am not a stranger in a strange land any longer.

and since that night, porn has actually held no interest for me.

i want more. i need more. i desire more. i crave more. i demand more. i am worth more.

this silly, dusty world is so empty compared to what we can be and are.

and so, i wait. my plans are in place, and it takes forever, but they are proceeding.

because i am done with being lonely. i am tired of being odd, and strange, and separate, and apart, and different, and queer, and single, and bitter, and convinced that in the end, i will settle. settle for less. settle for anything other than the fantastic, the amazing, the genuine, the real, the true, the magical, the mystical, the divine, the absolute greatest that i or anyone else can be.

so in the meantime, i am lonely.

but i am ready to not be lonely anymore.